It Just Takes One

Step Sing Indy Ladies

2012-02-01T18:24:00.000-05:00

I'm also not an Indy Lady, but I thought this was just fantastic. They should have placed better than they did!

Step Sing UM Video

2012-01-31T18:21:00.002-05:00

*Sorry this didn't post before! I've been having some trouble with saving things to post later*

At Samford UM stands for University Ministries...they put on different chapel opportunities etc.

So when I heard their show was called "In the Potter's Hands" I thought it was some play on God being the Potter. I couldn't figure out how they could make a show out of that.

Ha. Well.

How about HARRY Potter? Yeah. Him.

Too funny.

(Sorry this video is small...it's the only one I could find.)

Step Sing AOII Video

2012-01-30T18:22:00.002-05:00

I may not be in AOII, but I watched this video earlier today and thought they did a good job at Step Sing last year. Enjoy :)

Let Step Sing Begin!

2012-01-29T17:52:00.000-05:00

I start Step Sing practice tomorrow!!!

(If you don't know what that is, just scroll on down to my previous post. Short version is that it's a HUGE production at Samford every year where different groups compete with songs and dances. Tickets sell out and we practice non-stop (well, between classes and homework) for 3 weeks straight.)

Which means I will have approximately 0 hours of free time for the next 3 weeks, but still. I'm just so excited!

I got to Samford yesterday after driving way too long and far. It took me a sweet forever to unpack and rearrange my room - I got tired of the layout while sitting in here studying nonstop during finals week. I had to change it up for a new semester. :)

The past 24 hours have been filled with settling in, see a few friends that are already here, relaxing, and anticipating the rest of my friends arriving today. Even while I've been writing this I've heard screams from the floor above me...they've been happening all day because there's always someone that just got here and a reunion takes place.

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Anddddd as I was typing that last sentence one of my friends arrived. Go figure. :)

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Anywho, I thought you might like to see a few Step Sing videos from years past? Let's start with the winner of Step Sing 2011 - DAP (Dudes A Plenty)

Come back the rest of this week for more videos! :)

One Week Left

2012-01-19T01:27:00.001-05:00

I can't believe I only have one more week at home.

I thought about erasing that last word and putting quotation marks around it, because it doesn't feel as much like home here...not compared to 6 months ago at least.

Home has become Birmingham, and it didn't take very long for that to happen.

I've been trying to fit a lot into the time I have left here because let's not pretend that I'll have any free time once I go back to school. Have you ever heard of this little thing called Step Sing? Oh my goodness. It's the little production that Samford students put on every year for thousandsss of people.

Yes. I'm in it, of course.

Singing and dancing? Two of the very things I love most.

If you happen to be in the Birmingham area February 16-18 I would highly recommend you come out and watch! Many many groups of Samford students (hundreds of us!) will be dancing and singing, competing with each other to get first place.

Practices start the day I get back for classes and they are every day for HOURS until the shows begin. So imagine you get up early for your classes, spend all afternoon doing homework so that you can practice for four hours dancing (oh you know, til midnight), so that you're prepared to dance in front of thousands of people. And then you go back to your dorm, shower, and go to bed. Only to wake up after a few hours of sleep and do it all over again.

For three weeks.

It's going to be exhausting, but I'm SO excited for it!

I have always loved singing and dancing, so although Step Sing isn't what made me choose Samford...it sure is a huge plus for me!

Needless to say, though, I won't have any free time at all. I don't frankly know how I'll keep up with homework! But it'll have to happen somehow.

With my free time right now this is what I'm doing:

(I know you might not care. And I know you might not want a list.)

(But I'm trying to hold true to blogging more often than I did the past few months.)

(It's 1:06 in the morning and I can't blog deep thoughts right now so this will have to suffice.)

(Moving on now)

1. Pinning

Yes, I'm on Pinterest and I would say it will be my downfall except that I've actually made some of what I've pinned! Amazing, I know. Pinterest is just all the rave (umm, what.) at Samford and I refused to join it last semester until I was back in Florida. I'm sorry, but I know myself and I knew I would be on it every day at school. And not just on it, but crafting instead of studying. So after spending half a day at home bored out of my mind, I caved.

It's safe to say I'm addicted.

2. Crafting

That's right, I'm actually making what I pin. Genius idea, I know.

3. Seeing friends

Pretty sure that one doesn't need an explanation.

4. Babysitting

Gotta make money for the Phi Mu bill somehow!

5. Watching TV

Now I know this sounds like a complete waste of time.

It is.

No regrets because I barely watch TV at school so these 6 weeks? VACATION TIME = TV TIME. The problem will be when I go back to school and must somehow fit all these shows into my "free time" that I know I won't have. But I can't just give up on these shows! They need me. Ahem.

I've been watching Grey's Anatomy (of course. loyal fans gotta stay loyal.), Private Practice (this new season? not a fan. but yet I watch, of course.), The Biggest Loser (guilty pleasure and something I've always watched with my family, so watching at school was a small way of feeling connected...only to come home and find out I'm the only one that watched. cool.), Top Chef (I would never eat 98% of what they make but it fascinates me), and lately I have found this little treasure..

Downton Abbey

Okay. A show with English accents based in the long time ago history and issues that I can't totally comprehend because, umm, long time ago history...and yet I caught up on two season within approximately 26 hours.

One, who knew. Two, who am I. Three, IT'S ON PBS. I am 19 and watching PBS and loving it.

6. Exercising

This just sounds like a joke, even as I type it. I don't exercise. Ever. I hate it. When my roommate comes in our room after going to the gym and exclaims how good she feels, I'm almost positive the look on my face is not one of encouragement but of pure confusion. I don't like pain so why subject myself to it?

But since being home I've begun to work out in the privacy of my own room. Shock of all shocks my ENTIRE BODY could barely move after 3 days. And then when I added in stretching to the mix, I pulled something in my back and haven't been able to walk properly. For a week.

That's funny and just pure irony. I finally exercise and try to be more "fit" and I hurt myself so that I have to stop for a while.

My goal is to go the the gym once a week this semester, though. I know that doesn't sound like much at all, but it sure beats the three times I went all last semester. Granted, I did try to go more often...but each time I went the gym was closed. Rooms finally stopped going with me - she said I was cursed. :)

7. Writing

More about this is to come, but lets just say that one of my New Years Goals is to write the first chapter of my book.

8. Editing

I'm sure I've said this before, but my dream job is to be a Christian book editor. So when I was having a catch up date with a lovely friend and she mentioned she was writing a book and needed an editor, I got just a tad excited. She hadn't remembered that was my dream job, so when I calmly (but with a big smile on my face) offered to edit her book for her, we both looked at it as a prayer answered. For her it really was, and for me it was one of those prayers you don't even pray because how could it happen to you now..it's one of those far off dreams.

Well. I'm currently editing about 16 chapters worth of (wonderful) words so that she can submit it to a book writing contest soon. The deadline is pressing in and I've just begun editing, so that will take up most of the time I have left at home. A little sad about that fact, but very thankful for this great opportunity to love this girl and whoever reads the book by using whatever talents and passions God has given me for the written word.

It's 1:24 so I think it's time for me to go - but have a lovely night (morning) and I will hopefully be back soon. :)

P.S. Thank y'all SO SO SO much for the encouraging words on my last post. I'm still thinking about what to do as my next step. I think #7 might be part of that. :)

Passion 2012

2012-01-08T00:18:00.001-05:00

The "event" has changed me. I was blessed to be able to spend Monday-Thursday at Passion this week. I'm still "recovering" by catching up on sleep but I never want to recover from what I have learned, seen, and been a part of.

I've tried to think of how to write this post, but I really just don't know how.

How can I write how it felt to be in a stadium with 44,000 18-25 year olds praising and worshipping Jesus? How do I tell you what the speakers said and how it impacted me? Is there a way to share how the music, the words, shook me to my core - made me throw up my white flag and surrender to God after years and years of saying...

God, surely someone could do it better than me

Maybe I've misunderstood

I don't know what to do. I'll just wait.

What will people think of me? They'll judge. This can't be meant for me.

I'll likely fail.

Well. I've waited long enough. Failing by my standards, by the words standards, is to start something and not complete it or be made fun of/looked down on. Failure by Gods standards is to not obey by not beginning. Maybe He wins in the failure after I start if it draws me closer to Him.

So. Deep breath.

That whole pornography thing? It's time for me to speak up and make a difference. I don't know where to begin and I don't know how a little 19 year old that's never even seen porn is supposed to help those struggling with it and/or work towards eliminating it...but I have to stop with the excuses.

If He has called me to try, I will try.

I want to live by His definition of failure, not mine.

We raise our white flag

We surrender

All to You, all for You

We raise our white flag

The war is over

Love has come, Love has won

(White Flag)

My white flag is up. The battle, the war...it's over. Love has come and Love has won.

Why am I fighting Love with excuses?

Passion is not just an event. It is not just a time to raise money for a great cause and great organizations (this year the focus was on human trafficking and slavery. Did you know there are 27 MILLION slaves in the world today?! That's more than at any other time. I don't know about you but I thought slavery was mainly a thing of the past. Oh sure I knew there were sweat shops and child slaves far away, but I thought maybe a hundred thousand - A TON, but not as big of an issue as world hunger etc. Wrong. 27 million. It doesn't seem that huge until ou put a face or a name with a statistic. I looked around the Dome at the 44,000 people and imagined them all us slaves. It was hard to comprehend. Then I doubled it in my mind and it was devastating. Then to think that would be just under 100,000...no where close to 27,000,000. Anyways, we raised $3,066,670 and the goal was $1,000,000. I'm so proud and so excited for this generation. We can do such great things. I know 3 million doesn't sound like one big number, but we're college kids. For me to bring any money at all to donate was hard - I have so many other things I "need" that money for, and I'm going to have to sacrifice because I gave it away. But what kind of sacrifice can it really be - I'm not a slave.).

Anyways - Passion is all that ^ and so much more. It's a time of intense training and encouragement from some of todays best speakers. It's a time of worship and shouting praise with some of todays best worship leaders. It's a time to be challenged.

I will not be the same. My eyes have been opened to a huge issue in our world today.

It's not that Passion is amazing, it's that God's presence is breath taking and I don't think I've ever in my life felt His presence so strongly.

Please bare with me as I figure out where to go from here. All I know is that I've got to start in the Word.

I don't want to ever recover from this week.

Happy New Years! :)

2012-01-01T01:52:00.000-05:00

The fact that it took me 5 minutes to figure out which password was needed to access my blog is not a good sign.

Clearly I have been away for too long. Much too long.

I went to college and basically haven't blogged since. Amazing really, because I want to keep these memories and remember the last 4 months of my life. I have hundreds of pictures that will remind me for years to come of the wonderful people I've met, but I sure do miss blogging and writing it all out.

The problem is timing. I know that at the end of the day I'm going to college to get a degree and to meet people that will become my very best friends. So I've spent the last four months of my life working towards those two things. I got great grades (Dean's List baby!!!) and met some crazy wonderful people. The last four months have stretched me and I have grown a lot while learning a lot, but I am a better person for it all.

2011 has now come to a close, just as my high school days are over and the first semester of college has a little check marking that it has been completed. I've grown up. So much so that I just registered today to vote.

Y'all. When did I become an adult?!

But as I sat last night thinking over 2011, the good times and the bad, the things that have shaped me and the things I want to do better with in 2012, I was struck by the fact that I fell off the blogging wagon and never got back on.

Well. I'm getting back on.

It's the first day of 2012, so I certainly can't say that I'm going to do well with this goal the entire year, but I'm promising you now that I will do better. I will find the time some how. Because although it's great to get good grades and make wonderful friends, it's even better to document it so I'll remember it years down the road. :)

These are the good days, friends. You may not be into the whole New Years stuff or making resolutions, and I totally get that. For years my resolution has been to not make any resolutions.

But no one can deny that it's nice to have a fresh start. A new beginning. A launching pad. A place to begin again, take a deep breath, and say 'today is a new day.'

Well today you can say something a little different, something a little better.

Today is a new year.

My Word.

2011-12-02T00:55:00.000-05:00

It's December 1st.

Oh my gosh, it's December 1st. Already.

I haven't posted on here since the end of September. Time for even more honesty? I've only kept up with a few blogs since I stopped posting.

Even worse? I never ever meant to stop posting. But every time I could see the light at the end of the tunnel of homework, finally a chance to get on here and have some free time, another paper would be asked of me. Another exam to study for, another quiz to read ahead for.

I'm so sorry that I've been on such a long vacay.

School is going well! Finals are in a week and a half, I have two big papers due next week and a big speech, and I've yet to start on any of that.

But in good news, I had a 3 page paper assigned to me today and I started it tonight and 55 minutes later hit save because what? IT'S DONE. It's the last thing I have due for that class so my hour load can drop down to 16 soon!

I promise you I will try my very best to get on here more, even if it's only picture posts until finals are over. Gotta be studious, after all. :)

Hope you're all doing wonderfully!

I Wanna Be A PHI MU Girl So, So Bad*

2011-09-26T22:24:00.001-04:00

*Otherwise known as the longest post ever in the history of mankind.

That's one of our songs, ya know. Sung to Billionaire by Travie McCoy of course.

Yep, that's right, I'm a PHI MU.

And I'm stoked about it.

Will you allow me to go over what Rush was like?

I went into Rush really wanting to be an ADPi. I was open to all the sororities, but had a little bit of my heart set on being an ADPi girl. Partly because they have a great reputation at Samford (ALL sororities are different in every single place. Phi Mu by you may be terrible, while it's great here. Or vice verse with other sororities.), and partly because one of kindest, sweetest girls I've ever had the privilege of being friends with was an ADPi here. She graduated last May and so I knew what she told me about ADPi was recent and up-to-date, although it of course would be a little biased.

When I got here I found out the reputation of Chi Omega is terrible at Samford. A lot of mean girls, and although there are (of course!) sweet girls also (there are all types in all sororities), I knew it wasn't for me because of certain issues they have in their sorority. I was open to each of the other 4, though.

I went to Open House for Rush and liked them all except AOPi. It felt awkward to me. Uncomfortable. And one of the girls was rude to me. I mentally crossed them off my list. I wanted, needed, a place that was comfortable and felt like home.

Friday Night was Philanthropy Night and I went back to each house for 15 minutes. I went back to ADPi first and really liked it. The girls seemed really sweet and I could see myself there. I was a little nervous though because it was my first party in my first house and I was the first girl to go in.

I liked Phi Mu also, Chi Omega was fine (though I didn't want them) and Zeta was fine but not as great as I thought it would be. I thought they would be my second favorite. AOPi was awkward, but better than the Open House.

It then was time for me to drop one of the houses and I decided to drop AOPi. My favorites were ADPi, then Phi Mu, then Zeta, and then I planned to drop Chi Omega the next day.

Saturday morning came and I got my schedule for my Saturday parties. Turns out I got dropped from ADPi, Zeta, and Chi Omega. The only houses that I would be going back to were Phi Mu and AOPi.

I was pissed, not gonna lie. I couldn't figure out why ADPi dropped me and I was so set on it, but I hadn't realized until it was "taken" from me. And AOPi? I thought I had dropped them! Why did I have to go back? At that moment I felt like I only had one option left: Phi Mu.

I knew I was going to cry so I went in the bathroom and just began to try to work it out in my head. I didn't want to cry; it was just Rush! I knew at the end of the day there was no reason for me to be crying and that His Plan was happening and would continue to happen...but my plan had failed.

That was the problem. I had a plan all along. I wanted ADPi all along, though I truly went into Rush with an open mind. I was willing to consider them all but I wanted ADPi. Bad. And I thought they would want me. I felt like I would fit right in with them and so it seemed like a great plan. God and I had a little talk where I mainly talked and He mainly listened (ever have one of those? :]) and by the end of the talk I had given over my plan for His. I had no idea whether I would be Phi Mu, AOPi, or Independent at the end of Rush...but I was leaving it in His hands and was giving Him control. I had never had the control, but I had tried to take it into my own hands. Did I want AOPi? No, I didn't...but I gave it to Him and said I would be whatever He wanted me to be. Even if it meant being uncomfortable in AOPi.

(headed to Reveal on Bid Day!)

I went to Rush later on Saturday and ended up liking AOPi so much more than either of the other days. The girls I talked to were really nice and the entire thing seemed much more comfortable. I walked out of the house really confused because in 30 minutes I went from not liking it but willing to submit, to beginning to feel comfortable and liking it. Then I went to Phi Mu and realized where Home really was.

It was in the Phi Mu house. Although I had just come from AOPi and had begun to like it, I felt completely comfortable in Phi Mu. One of the girls shared her Story with me and it included how she got sick last January. Our Stories were pretty similar and I found myself sharing my Story with her of how I had had a brain tumor.

I don't just tell strangers that story.

But I felt so comfortable there that it just came from me and I had no second thoughts or reservations. I just felt Home.

Sunday morning I was really really really hoping I would be invited back to both houses since I loved Phi Mu but was beginning to really like AOPi. I got my schedule and was invited back to both! I was so excited!

AOPi went really well and I liked it. I could see myself there. But there was still part of me that felt a little uncomfortable, like I would have to really work at being AOPI, work at feeling at home.

Then I went to Phi Mu and knew. I just knew it was Home. There was a God Moment that sealed the deal. :)

Before getting my schedule I talked to my mom on Skype. I hadn't talked to her at all during Rush. She asked if any of the houses had sung anything from Wicked. I smiled and said, "No, of course not. It isn't really a Rush song. But you know if they did I would choose that house!"

Well.

God has a sense of humor and He knows how to get my attention.

At the end of the party at Phi Mu on Sunday they sang For Good from Wicked. I just started crying because really? Really God? You're Perfect and didn't have to make it so clear to me, but You did. I had already felt Home, already made my choice, but He gave me that little confirmation to ease any fears or worries, answer any questions remaining. I didn't want to leave at the end. I was Home.

Afterwards I asked both of my Rho Gammas if I could talk to them and get their advice. I knew I wanted Phi Mu. I had no doubt about that. But I could see myself in AOPi so I didn't want to suicide and only rank Phi Mu (only say that I was willing to be a Phi Mu). But I was very worried that if I put AOPi down as my second pick, if AOPi ranked my higher than Phi Mu I would go to AOPi. Both of my Rho Gammas (truly the two sweetest, nicest people I've ever met in my entire life) told me I should put them both down and they assured me no one would hate me if I went through the new member process at AOPi, decided I didn't like it, and dropped out. I was so worried and scared I wouldn't get Phi Mu if I put them both down that I just started to cry, but one of the girls gave me a hug and reminded me that I had to keep putting my trust in Gods Plan. That's all I really needed to hear and I knew I just had to do my job of ranking them and He would take care of the rest.

Phi Mu first. AOPi second.

(Headed to Reveal on Bid Day - with my wonderful Rho Gammas!!!)

Monday, Bid Day, was stressful! Almost every single girl I talked to already knew which sorority she was in because she had only gone back to one on Sunday night. It wasn't a surprise for her. But I had no idea which one I was about to be. I sat through classes all day, tried to concentrate on homework, and then got ready for Reveal. I got my card, tore it open, and sprinted with a huge smile on my face..... to PHI MU.

I may have screamed just a little bit. :D

A complete God Thing.

So many little things have happened since Monday that have completely confirmed that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Rooms and I are both Phi Mu, which is perfect. One of my sweet Rho Gammas is Phi Mu. And I went on the Phi Retreat this past Friday-Sunday with my pledge class and they're all wonderful girls.

I'm so excited, so stoked, to be a Phi Mu Girl. I can't wait to see how God uses me to influence these girls, and these girls to influence me.

Delayed

2011-09-26T19:17:00.000-04:00

I'm sorryyyyyy! I've been working on an update about what sorority I'm in but I'm giving basically every detail minus what I was wearing etc because I don't want to forget anything about it. I'm almost done, promise! I'll finish it up tonight after my study session. I was gone all weekend with my (wonderful!) pledge class so I'm just now having time to sit and write out the ending.

Tonight. Promise. :)

Coming Soon

2011-09-21T23:36:00.000-04:00

Anyone wondering which sorority I chose? Or perhaps which one(s) chose me? What did I end up in?

The answers to these questions are coming soon. Tomorrow (Thursday) I have a huge, long day of classes...but I'm going to do my best to begin to work on the story of what happened to me during Rush, and what sorority I'm now in.

It was a long process...but I'm quite a happy girl. :D

Coming Soon! ....until then, any guesses?!

Its Coming To A Close...

2011-09-19T00:13:00.000-04:00

Rush, that is.

Bid Day? It's TOMORROW.

What house do you think I'm dying to be in?

Perhaps the nail color might help? :D

Let Rush Begin!

2011-09-16T16:21:00.001-04:00

My life has been completely consumed with two things for the past three weeks:

homework

and

building new relationships

This past week threw in one more thing and my plate for this past week (and especially this coming weekend) is incredibly full. What is that one more thing?

Rush Week.

Yep, I'm 'rushing' and the process is truly just getting started here. The different houses that I'll be going to tonight include (in no particular order):

Zeta Tau Alpha

(via)

Alpha Omicron Pi

(via)

Chi Omega

(via)

Phi Mu

(via)

and

Alpha Delta Pi

(via)

Which one to pick?!?

Were any of you (or your family members etc.) in sororities? Did you (they) like it?

French Quarter

2011-09-07T23:11:00.000-04:00

I took these pictures while we were in the French Quarter while in Panama last month.

(edited)

One of my good friends :) Had to get a picture with the water behind us.

(edited)

Without Power

2011-09-06T21:15:00.002-04:00

I wrote this earlier today but thought I would still share it with you. :)

At approximately 1:15am I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep when the power went out. Both of our alarm clocks stopped working, but we use our phones so I didn’t think anything of it. The hall light was still on, which seemed strange, but I didn’t think anything more of it, assuming power would be back by morning.

But in my dream last night my roommates alarm didn’t go off because of the power outage, so she was going to miss class. I kept calling her name but nothing happened. Then I woke at 9 (my alarm was for 10:05 because I didn’t have class til 11 and didn’t want to go to convo) to my roommate saying all classes were canceled for the day because power was still out.

Yesssss so wonderful! No class! I wish it had been any day but Tuesday (it’s my easiest day by far), but still…no class! I went back to sleep, telling her to wake me at 11.

11 came, I got up and dressed for lunch. For some reason I didn’t realize the entire building would be pitch black, not just our room. That was fun…especially since I’m a little terrified of the dark. For some reason I also didn’t realize that it would be bright outside. Obviously the power didn’t affect outside darkness, but I was quite surprised. Dumb moment.

We went to the caf to see what this “limited menu” would be since they couldn’t cook anything. Salad. Deli sandwiches. One kind of chip. Plain yogurt.

They didn’t even bring out the granola for yogurt. How can you keep yogurt fresh with no power, and not have granola?! So we all decided to go to Walmart to buy lunch stuff to make in the kitchen. They made some fancy fig and goat cheese bread with a fancy pasta and sauce…I stuck with a good ol’ grilled cheese.

We were gonna play hide and seek all over this building in the dark, but the power is back. No Internet, though. So we’re all doing homework. Yay.

Now I’m down here in my room studying for a quiz I will most certainly fail tomorrow. And oh may I add it’s like 60 degrees outside and feels wonderful?!

This has been my day.

Panama City Scenery

2011-09-01T16:39:00.000-04:00

First time I have a real break during college when I'm not rushing to do as much homework as possible. Thought y'all might like some pictures of scenery I took while in Panama! They're all from Panama City.

(edited)

Well Hello Samford!

2011-08-28T00:58:00.000-04:00

Would you like to know why I've been missing in action recently?

I'M AT SAMFORD!!!!!!!

We drove up Thursday (left the house around 6:30am) and kept on driving through until about 6:00pm when we got to Birmingham. Checked into the hotel, went and got dinner, and then went to bed. I was EXHAUSTED because we had been in the car all day and I had only slept two hours the night before.

Then yesterday (Friday) was Move-In Day so we got to campus around 9:15am and then got everything to my room. After unpacking some and setting a few things up we headed out to lunch and Target to get food to last me through. :) Then Yogurt Mountain because that's just the best thing in the world, and then back to finish the room some more. Then it was goodbye and for me it was straight to a Hall Meeting and then some other things that are currently slipping my mind.

Today has been jam packed full of stuff and I'm just now getting around to figuring out the wifi here (so confusinggg). We literally have had no down time because it's Connections weekend for freshmen. Basically every moment of each day is scheduled and we're busy doing something until 11 or later each night. By then I'm ready to crash. :)

Hopefully once school starts and I get going with a regular schedule I'll have a regular time to write here. I hope everybody is doing so great, though!

It's Been Too Long...Here They Are!

2011-08-24T20:03:00.000-04:00

Some Panama pictures, perhaps? :)

How we felt about waking up to catch a bus to catch a plane...at 3am.

(edited)

After performing on the streets for the first time! (Our team (about 35 people) learned an 18 minute drama that we performed all over the place.)

These are from Cinco de Mayo, which is kinda of like their Time Square in Panama City. We went all up and down Cinco de Mayo performing the drama. Every time we do the same exact thing:

We pick a spot that is wide enough that we can perform (although at times we were given spaces and just had to make them work).
Put our avluables in the lockbox
Set up the music
Start to play music like the Cupid Shuffle
Dance around like crazy people (and trust me, this gets their attention because 35 white people dancing to Cupid Shuffle? Hilarious)
Square off (sit in our formation)
Give the Intro (explain what they're about to see) - we have translators that translate what we say
1-2 students share their testimony
Perform the drama
Square off
Give The Net (explain one more time - for those that came late - what they just saw, and how Jesus came for them)
Break off into our groups and go talk to people that want to know about Jesus

(edited)

I had fun playing with the colors of the Cinco de Mayo pictures

(edited)

More to come!!!

2011-08-19T11:37:00.000-04:00

Since I’ve been home from Panama I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t pray enough. Not that there’s a certain amount that would equal “enough”…more like I just don’t pray very much. Not the “thank you for this food” prayers, though those are good. I mean the more personal prayers. The more specific prayers where I’m expecting God to show up and show off, but will conform to His Will if that isn’t His Plan.

I just don’t pray those very much at home…and I’m realizing that that’s a problem.

The other day my devotion read: Luke 18:1 One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up.

To persist in prayer and not give up does not mean endless repetition or painfully long prayer sessions. Always praying means keeping our requests constantly before God as we live for him day by day, believing he will answer. When we live by faith, we are not to give up. God may delay answering, but his delays always have good reasons. As we persist in prayer we grow in character, faith, and hope.

And then while online I saw two different friends write the same exact words as their status: pray without ceasing

Looks like God is trying to teach me a little something about prayer…

Do you ever struggle with prayer?

While in Panama...

2011-08-18T23:37:00.000-04:00

It's funny (funny-ironic, not funny-haha) how when I have so much to say that can bring glory to God, and then I go a little bit out on a limb and begin to speak, even if I'm only starting with a few words...life suddenly gets so busy and before I know it days have gone by where I'm going and going until I hit the pillow at night.

That's how it's been since I last posted.

I'm home for a week and spend the time processing the trip before saying anything on here. I finally feel like I'm ready to begin, and I say so. And then what happens? Life.

Getting ready for college.
Packing.
Meeting up with friends before I go.
Packing.
Experiencing my last time at church as a senior.
Packing.
Writing things out, working on pictures and music for school.
And of course packing.

Nothing bad and nothing really wasting my time too much...just business. Good business, yes. But distracting? For sure.

So the stories of the trip, the pictures...they will come because they must. I must speak, I must share. How can I not when it has changed me so?

Please give me time and be patient (you all have - thank you!) as life keeps going on and I try to carve out time to write on here. There is just so much to say! I am learning so much and this summer has COMPLETELY changed my life. College is creeping up and I can't believe it's already here. Less than a week...

For now may I leave you with this? While in Panama I was challenged. While in Panama I was able to live in yet another beautiful country with beautiful people that I will probably never get to meet again. While in Panama I lived in the jungle with the Kuna Tribe. While in Panama I led people to Christ. While in Panama I built stronger relationships with people on our team. While in Panama I saw my own prayers answered literally right before my eyes. While in Panama I sang to my God in the middle of a park, not caring one iota who heard as long as He did. While in Panama I laughed so hard I cried. While in Panama I revealed my biggest secret and stepped out in faith. While in Panama my heart was broken for the broken people all around. While in Panama I got sick and kept going. While in Panama we performed the drama for multiple schools. While in Panama three little girls forever captured my heart. While in Panama I was changed.

I Will Speak

2011-08-12T13:33:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I've been back home for almost a week now.

In case you're a little out of the loop, I spent a little over a week (July 30-August 7) in Panama on a mission trip. It was life changing. I've been on many mission trips before. Five, actually. But this one was completely different. I've never in my life been on a mission trip like this one.

Getting back to "normal" and getting back in the swing of things has been really difficult, yet easy at the same time. Let me explain before you shake your head at my confusing words and wonder what the heck I'm talking about. :)

We got home late Sunday night and by the time my family got back in town (we didn't land at the airport near us) and grabbed some american food (a welcome sight, believe me) and then got home, it was around 10pm. We went to be early and woke up really early there, so I was exhausted...not even taking into account that we spent all day on a bus, sitting in an airport, or sitting on a plane. I got home and crashed.

Monday was so nice. I got up later than I had on the trip, but earlier than usual for me. I lazed around all day, catching up on tv shows that I had missed while I was gone, and catching up on a few things online. It was so nice to have air conditioning, electricity, my computer, my phone, and my bed. All things that I missed on the trip.

But come Tuesday I was bored out of my mind. The days of waking up early and doing ministry all day long were tiring, but so fulfilling. Here at home I was slipping back into my usual routine of lazing around, maybe meeting a friend to catch up, doing stuff online, and getting ready for college. All good things, but not too fulfilling. I found myself laying down to go to sleep and wondering what I had really accomplished that day. Bought more things for college? Yes. Sat around and enjoyed normal food and a comfy bed to sit on? Check. Stared at a computer screen for way too long? Yep. But anything truly worthwhile? Any time spent furthering His Kingdom and bringing him glory? Maybe a little bit of time, but nothing compared to while I was in Panama.

I felt like I was right back where I was before the trip. Going through the motions. Not doing anything wrong, not "wasting my life away"...just not doing anything truly fulfilling. I was content with it before, but after getting a taste of it in Panama I no longer was okay with my usual routine.

In that way, getting back into the swing of things has been really difficult. I find myself fighting my routine now. My human nature wants to sit around and read blogs, play games online, and figure out college things. All good ideas, no bad ways to spend my time...just not what I personally should be doing right now. I should be talking. I should be sharing what He has done, how my life has been changed on this trip, what I've learned.

But I feel like I've learned so much and taken so much information in that I don't even know where to begin. What story do I share first? Will anyone be able to understand? Can I paint a picture with my words so that people will feel like they were there, too? How do I start? There's so much to say.

I've avoided writing, knowing I need to write...but so unsure of where to begin and what words to use.

I've fallen back into petty things (don't take it the wrong way, they aren't bad things and maybe not petty for others, but for me right now they have become petty compared with the things I have learned in Panama). I haven't spoken out.

But I've made a decision.

I'm going to speak.

I'm going to write.

Maybe no one will understand. Maybe not even one single person will learn anything from the things that taught me so much. Maybe my words won't do the trip justice. Maybe no one cares about the trip. Maybe no one will read and listen.

But I need to speak and write anyways.

I've been journaling my thoughts about the trip, what we did each day and what I learned, how I felt. It's a slow process and I try to process it all and get it down on paper. but as I write I will copy it on here for you to see. A journal of my time in Panama. Stories of what He has done, what He is doing.

I hope you'll stick around for it. It's life-changing stuff. :)

My (5) Most Memorable Moments

2011-08-07T11:22:00.000-04:00

While I'm gone in Panama this week (mission trip until Sunday! :]) I wrote some stuff ahead of time to go up while I'm gone. Enjoy. :)

I've been filling out a bit of a challenge thing where you answer a different question each day. Here's one of them:

The 5 most memorable things to happen to you in 2010

Alright well lets see…2010 some how seems so far away.

The one year mark was huge for me. One year since everything ended…to reach that milestone was a big deal for me. There’s so much more behind that story, but it just felt so good. I felt strong. I felt older, like I had grown so much. It was a terribly hard day, but I survived it and felt victorious. Like I could continue to make it through.

I was sick for months and then found out I had a brain tumor, but I would say that the actual day that I found out I had a brain tumor is definitely in the top 5. I’ve never felt such peace in my life.

Another is the days leading up to surgery (about 5) and the week spent in the hospital after surgery. I didn’t know my own strength. Or, rather, I didn’t know His Strength. I was completely alone. At first I wasn’t even allowed to tell people about my brain tumor, and then in the hospital it was me, my mom, and a nurse. But even while feeling completely alone, I knew He was Faithful and would get me through. That week in the hospital changed my life forever. Especially one night when I argued with God, but that’s another story for a different day.

Another was my camp family. It was…amazing, to say the least. We were/are SUCH different people from all different walks of life. But I’ve never before had such an amazing camp family that I learned from and fell like I was able to impact just as they were able to impact me. It was so beautiful and felt so right and good.

Going to Samford for the first time. It felt like home. You always hear “oh you’ll just know. It’ll feel right.” Well that’s a load of crap. You’ll JUST KNOW. How? How can you just know? But I just…did. And it felt so right. Like home. I would bet no one has ever picked up on it, but I never call Florida home anymore. It isn’t home to me. Just a place that I happen to be. I can’t wait to go home in a month.

A Letter

2011-08-05T16:15:00.000-04:00

While I'm gone in Panama this week (mission trip until Sunday! :]) I wrote some stuff ahead of time to go up while I'm gone. Enjoy. :)

Hi. I’m sitting in the back of the car all stretched out, playing on my computer. My music is on shuffle. One of our songs came on and I reached to press the ‘next’ button. I think of you every once in a while but I don’t listen to our songs. Too many memories and thoughts. They bring back the same battle over and over again. But for some reason I stopped. I sat here and listened to it, and I was fine. I’m fine. My life is fine without you. I never truly knew how I could live, really live, without you…but here I am doing it. Without you. I’m not even sad. I miss you but I don’t miss the you of now. You’ve morphed into someone I’ve never known. A completely different person that I don’t know or like. I miss the old you, but you won’t be coming back and so I’ve moved on. I’m happy now. I hope you’re happy, too. You deserve that much. I have my moments where I’m weak. Those are the times when my heart is back in the past, re-living the moments where I felt safe and loved, truly known and valued. You wrecked my life in every good way possible, and then you wrecked my heart into shattered pieces. I will never be that person you met years ago. She’s gone. But over time I’ve realized that it’s okay. This me now, it’s okay. I learned who I was, who my real friends were, and how strong I am inside. I don’t need you to be happy. I think that’s the most freeing part of it all. The song ends and I’m still sitting here with a smile on my face. You’re beautiful and lovely and so many other things, but you made your choice and now you’ll have to live with it, just as I’m living with my choices. I will always love you, but you will never have me as you did before. I’ve learned my lesson, and the pieces have fallen. I’m okay with that. I can breathe and smile. I can laugh. I’m happy. I can be me. I hope you’re always happy like we were. Goodbye.

English

2011-08-03T14:12:00.000-04:00

While I'm gone in Panama this week (mission trip until Sunday! :]) I wrote some stuff ahead of time to go up while I'm gone. Enjoy. :)

I just thought this was a little bit genius. :) Don't know who wrote it.

“Let’s face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

”

My Goodbye To Harry Potter

2011-08-01T09:17:00.000-04:00

While I'm gone in Panama this week (mission trip until Sunday! :]) I wrote some stuff ahead of time to go up while I'm gone. Enjoy. :)

Are you a fan of Harry Potter? I wrote these out before the final film came out, my thoughts on Harry Potter ending...How has it made you feel?

Harry, I feel like I've known you all my life. At the same time I feel like I’ve known you all my life. I want to go see the last movie but at the same time I don’t want to ever see it. Excitement and dread all in one. I was a bit late to the party, really. Just recently beginning the books and movies. Yet I scarfed them up, happily reading the story of three people, one in the midst of a love that knew no limits, one smart and brave that wasn’t afraid to stand their ground, and one rising from what was known and expected of them to become a brave, funny and ultimately loyal friend.

I will miss you Harry, Hermione, and Ron. But I won’t wave goodbye or shed a tear because although It All Ends is true…it’s also such a lie. It doesn’t end in my mind.

It doesn’t end in my heart.

So instead I will say four simple words: see you at hogwarts.

Today Has Been A Long, Hard Day

2011-07-29T21:12:00.000-04:00

*Background: I had another MRI and meeting with my neurosurgeon this morning. Just a check-up thing that will happen for about 8 more years, just to be safe.

Finally stopped crying. Praise Jesus. I haven’t cried over physical pain since I was in the hospital last year, and that was when I was hooked up to monitors and such a few days after surgery. After that there really was no point in crying over any physical pain because how could an every day thing hurt worse? But today I broke. I got home from my MRI and appointment with my neurosurgeon and curled up in bed and just cried. Not because of sadness or whatnot, but because the pain was so extreme. I haven’t felt such intense pain since right after surgery.

Not gonna lie, I was a little upset with myself for crying. I’m stronger than that. I can take it, no matter how much it hurts. But I wasn’t expecting this pain today. With surgery you obviously know pain is coming, and even then I had morphine that they say helps (lies). Today it was me, myself, and I battling with all I had in me. I can’t begin to explain to you how bad it hurts. My left hand felt like 100 needles were being stuck into it repeatedly, thank you nurse that messed up my IV and then attempted to fix it. My left arm close to where my elbow is doesn’t bend since the IV finally went in there. My scar is majorly acting up after the MRI this morning and it feels as if someone is inside my head with a hammer just pounding away at the scar, waiting for it to bust open. And my eyes are on fire, possibly because of the little test he did to see if something else is wrong with me (Guess who gets to go to another doctor now. Yay.).

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. When the pain is bad enough for me to cry, after the pain I’ve already gone through and only cried over once…well it’s pretty freaking bad when I cry now. My head still feels like it might explode, but ever since I realized something the tears have stopped.

I leave for Panama tomorrow morning. Satan doesn’t want me or anyone else on this trip to go. And for me personally, he’s taking spiritual warfare a different route this time. Perhaps because I haven’t felt the pain in so long, or perhaps because he knows I’ve finally figured out how he gets to me emotionally, and have learned to watch out for it. He has to find another tactic, and he found it. Spiritual warfare has, for me, turned into physical warfare. I can’t function with this pain. I lay in bed tossing and turning and trying not to grab my head. Getting up and doing anything functional seems impossible. How is being in that condition going to bring glory to God in Panama? It’s not. So I’m up. I’m out of bed and going on with my day, working on stuff for college, and slapping the devil in the face screaming ‘You don’t get to win today.’ I will go to Panama and I will stand out in the heat and I will perform to the best of my ability. I will stand up and share my Story of how He healed me and saved me, even if it means I have nothing left at the end of the day. Even if there are tears streaming down my face from the pain as I share about my Jesus.

Sorry Satan, you don’t win today.

Needing Wisdom

2011-07-29T00:30:00.000-04:00

If you're a praying type of person, would you please pray for wisdom for me? And would you ask people to also be praying? I’m going back to Miami tomorrow morning for an MRI. Nothing unusual for me, I’ll go back there twice a year for a few years and then it’ll change to once a year visits. Each one will include an MRI, which I’m already used to. I know what to expect. I know how to put on the gown, look the other way when the needles come out and go into my arm, lay down on the table and control my breathing so I don’t panic as I slide into the machine. I’m slowly becoming a pro at ignoring the obnoxious beeping as the scanner goes all around my head for a straight hour. I’ve gone through the entire process multiple times. I know what to expect and nothing about it worries me.

But I need wisdom for what to say to my doctor tomorrow. The neurosurgeon who removed the tumor from my brain is a really nice guy, but super professional. The kind of person that asks how you’re doing, waits to hear that you’re fine, and then moves on to the next person. As long as the scan shows I’m fine and I say those two magic words, he can write me off until another 6 months go by. That’s fine, I understand. There are people to see and surgeries that require his help. But the truth is that I’m not fine. I’m not perfectly okay and I haven’t really said a word about it to anyone. This is the first time…I’m not fine. If I had gone to my appointment a few weeks ago I could have said those words and not felt too guilty about lying. It wasn’t bad then. But we had to cancel and now the appointment is tomorrow…and things have happened in these few weeks that make the words “I’m fine” a lie. I don’t want to lie, but I don’t want any more tests. I want to come home and show up at 4:30 Saturday morning ready to leave for Panama. I want to experience a different culture, love on the people there, and share my Jesus with them. I want this trip to wreck me. But to do that I have to go on the trip, not stay home for some tests. I need wisdom in what to say tomorrow, so if you would please pray and/or ask people to also pray for wisdom, I would be so grateful.

GO

2011-07-28T15:33:00.000-04:00

Hello.

This is me slowly coming out of the corner, peering around a doorframe, standing up and shaking your hand, introducing myself, stepping into the picture, opening my blog and attempting to sit down and share another piece of myself.

I'm the little girl that was gone for so long that finally just went and sat in the corner by her lonesome self, just her and her thoughts. but eventually that little girl has to get back up and face the world, in my case face my blog.

I feel like I've been gone so long that it becomes a question of where do I begin? So much to say, so many pictures t put up, and oh so little time. The little girl in me isn't scared to face this blog because of anything she's done wrong, but because she's been gone for so long.

Don't get me wrong, I've posted here and there. But it hasn't all been quality material. I've been out of town so much that I've barely even had time to blog, but more thoughts than you can imagine are swimming around my head.

The worst part? I leave Saturday morning for a mission trip. I'm excited and ready to go, but it's another week and a half where I won't even have access to this place online that's a little piece of home for me. Another week where I have more and more to say, yet I get more and more behind.

I'm praying that this mission trip will change me, though. I'm leaving everything at home here in the states. Every electronic. Computer, phone, iTouch, everything. I'll barely have a moment to myself to just sit down and think while I'm there.

'There' is Panama, in case you didn't know. I'm going to Panama. Another country. Further away than I've ever been when it comes to outside of the U.S.

I've been to many places on mission trips. New York, the Bahamas, Tennessee, Jamaica, and then Jamaica again. But never some where like Panama.

I'll be staying in the jungle for part of my time there. Living with an Indian tribe, sleeping in a hammock and praying I don't get malaria. There are no showers or bathroom in the jungle, by the way.

Can we say I'm going outside my comfort zone? I'm going so far outside my comfort zone. I'll be speaking/preaching while I'm there. Who knows how many people will gather around to hear my testimony, but I'll be sharing it even if it's only one person.

Again, outside my comfort zone. I'm so much better sharing that sort of thing in writing than standing up and speaking.

But I was never called to stay in this little safety bubble. I wasn't called to sit down in the corner and be all by myself. I was never told to keep my Story to myself. I was told to share my Story. To stand up and GO.

GO to the people who haven't heard.

GO to the ones that are lost.

GO love the hurting.

GO smile and hug the broken hearted.

What they do in response is up to them, but I must GO, and so I will.

If you will pray for me while I'm gone that would be wonderful. And if you aren't a praying person, then would you consider what you yourself should GO do? Actually, would you all do that? GO and smile at a stranger. GO and pay for the persons meal behind you in a drive-through. GO and buy groceries for a hurting family just trying to find food for this week.

We can all go in some way, here and around the world. It isn't enough for me to GO to Panama if I won't GO here at home.

So this is me peering around the door frame and crawling out of my corner. This is me opening my computer up, staring at the screen, and typing out some words when I don't even know where to begin.

I'll go.

I Spoke Too Soon

2011-07-21T23:51:00.000-04:00

I jinxed myself.

I get on here and talk about what all I've done this summer. All the trips and things I've gone to.

How I've barely spent any time at home, but now I have until the 30th to just hang with friends.

But oh wait. No. Change of plans.

I will now be leaving tomorrow for NC to go see my grandparents before heading to college.

I'm actually glad because I haven't seen them in what feels like a really long time, plus I won't see them until Thanksgiving.

This is the best time for me to go since I'll be out of the country in a week and after that it's packing for college, so I'm headed north!

I'm also glad because I know I don't have much time with them left. Their health isn't that great so I want to enjoy a few days with them while I still can. And I'll have my computer with me so I'll say hi to you from NC in a day or two. :) Not tomorrow though because I'll be a tad busy driving up, and it's a ways of a drive.

But at the end of the drive I'll see my grandparents, will get to spend a little bit of time with them, and will get to have my eyebrows done by the only person that has ever not screwed them up (and thus the only person I let wax them besides myself).

(Not that I wax them. I don't. That would be a high level of stupidity on my part.)

Perhaps I didn't jinx myself after all.

Recap

2011-07-20T23:42:00.000-04:00

Well hello all :)

Life sure has been crazy busy for me this summer.

Are you busier during the school year or the summer? For me it's always been summer, and that's just the way I like it!

I figure I'm past due for an update, a recap if you will.

Goodness I guess I need to start back at the beginning of summer. I've been blogging here and there since then, but I've been out of town almost the entire time so I know when I have blogged it hasn't been the same quality or as often.

Let's see...the first week on June I was home getting ready for Kids Camp. Packing and writing the devotions for camp, etc.

Then I left on Sunday and came home Wednesday night from Kids Camp. While there I was part of the Rec Staff (for the third year) and I had a great time! I helped run the games, plan part of Kids Camp, helped with free time, was in dramas, etc.

The next morning (Thursday) I left bright and early for Senior Trip with my church. We went to Clearwater and spent a few days on the beach, shopping, and just hanging out one last big time as a group. I also went PARASAILING on that trip. Amazing.

I left Senior Trip early to go to Orientation for Samford. Mom picked me up in Clearwater on Sunday morning and we flew to Birmingham.

(In case you're counting, that's three back-to-back trips. All with different clothing needed.)

(That means three suitcases packed and ready the Saturday before Kids Camp.)

(Crazy.)

Orientation was Sunday night through Tuesday afternoon. We had delay after delay at the airport and didn't make it to Birmingham until lateee Sunday night.

Monday and Tuesday were JAM PACKED with college school. It was literally one meeting after another after another. It was really great though! I met a girl that is now my roomie (!!!) and made my class schedule for the fall. Such a relief to have those two things behind me and now it's all about dorm stuff and meeting new friends. :)

After I came home from Orientation I had a few days (Wednesday-Sunday) at home and then I left Monday morning for Camp. I was at camp through Friday night.

Then I was home for a week and then left July 2-9 for family vacation.

I've been home since then and am gearing up for my next trip.

Basically the past week and a half I've spent all my time hanging out with different friends and going shopping for college stuff.

Fun stuff. Which is exactly what I wanted this summer to be full of.

On the 30th I'll be leaving for my summer mission trip (more to come later as I get closer to the 30th) and then once I get home from that...it's time to pack for college.

And then...

Samford.

Gosh this summer has been crazy busy. More so than any other summer so far (and that's saying a lot!).

Well maybe not last summer. :) But other than that one... :)

If you're keeping track I was only home

June 1-4
June 15-19
June 25-30
July 1
July 9-current

That's barely anything!

What have you done this summer? Give me a recap! Have you gone anywhere?

Too Busy With Projects To See What's Right In Front Of My Eyes

2011-07-15T13:17:00.000-04:00

If you're following me on Twitter then you know that I have a to-do list of stuff to get done uh, soon. You know, by Monday. I have time, but I also have a few commitments between now and then that will take up a good chunk of that time.

Yesterday, though, I looked at my to-do list and began thinking about how it was just me and my brother at home yesterday. He was playing a game on some electronic and I was in my room debating which item to work on next.

I'm a fan of the checking off and crossing out.

In fact if I do something that I originally didn't write down, odds are good that I'll add it to my list so that I can cross it out.

I never said I wasn't strange.

Anyway I'm just standing there figuring out which project to tackle next and out of no where I realized that I don't have much time left.

Yes these projects need to get done.

But they'll get done.

Eventually I'll finish them all. I know that. It would be great to finish them before Monday, but in reality they can wait a few extra days.

But my brother can't wait a few extra days, because I don't have that kind of time left with him.

In such a short time I'll be in Alabama and he'll be here in Florida.

That's so much father away then my room and the family room.

I don't have much time left with him, especially just me and him. So I turned over my to-do list, walked to the family room and suggested that we do a puzzle. He picked one and we sat down and began to finish this project, just me and him. We haven't finished because he had baseball and then spent the night at a friends house...but when he gets home this afternoon I will once again put down whatever I'm working on so that we can finish the puzzle together.

I doubt he even knows I have a to-do list that has been pushed to the side. He may not appreciate this time together these two days...

But I do.

All too soon I'll be too far away from him to just walk in the other room and suggest we do a puzzle.

So forgive me for being vacant on the blog for the past few days. I've been crossing things off and going from one project to the next.

But now? Now I'm spending time on something a little more important.

My brother.

Why Live Without Wifi?

2011-07-11T23:34:00.000-04:00

Agh!! I'm sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. I haven't read my usual blogs for over a week and I'm behind on email.

I slowed down on all that all of this past week because I was on vacation with my family. I planned to catch up on Sunday once we were home and I had a little down time...but my computer hasn't been working since we got home.

It no longer recognizes the wifi/internet here.

Not cool.

Hopefully it'll work again soon. We've tried everything we know. If you have any tricks, please share!

Until then I leave you with one question:

What is life without wifi connection?

Just kidding. But no really.

Heart Ramblings 2.0

2011-07-07T17:41:00.000-04:00

Another one...written days ago...but still a piece of my heart laid bare for the world to see and hopefully appreciate, if not my words than at least this little girls heart.

***

This is one of those times when I’m at a loss for words to say, but I ache inside to put words to my thoughts, to speak it all so that my mind can slow down and I’ll have space for new things. The past four days have been so hard on me, but I did my best to put my big girl pants on and suck it up. I can only be responsible for my own actions, and one day they will have be responsible for theirs.

When your heart has been shattered into pieces it is oh so hard to learn to trust again. But slowly, so slowly, you take little steps. Tell a little secret to a friend here, share a tiny problem with another friend there. You take the necessary steps to heal, because living with a shattered heart is too painful.

All along your biggest fear is that the one or two that you’re learning to trust in will turn and betray you. Break promises, be proven untrustworthy, lie to your face. That’s the moment when you realize it’s just been a big scam, and they want what you can give them…and they aren’t interested in giving anything in return. The concept of a two-way street is foreign to them.

These are the thoughts, among many others, that I’ve had running through my mind this past trip. I’ve smiled, I’ve laughed hard, I’ve dealt (or maybe not dealt) with broken promises, and someone has lied to my face. I’ve been ignored, and I’ve seen people treat everyone but their close circle with barely any respect (and I’m not just talking about me…I’m talking about everyone in the near vicinity).

I’ve listened to 5th graders share their struggles. I’ve heard their stories and I’ve listened to their pain as my own heart is facing its own hurt. But last night my heart broke in a whole new way. So quietly and timidly, yet with a strength I myself do not possess, I was there to hear the cry of a little girls heart as she said, “My dad passed away just a little while ago.”

Here she is at camp, smiling and laughing and seeming to be having the time of her life. She’s making friends and everyone is loving on her…and all the while her heart must just be exploding with the grief of just losing her father.

I’m 18 and I’ve been through some terribly hard and scary times. But I can guarantee you this: If my dad died I would be A WRECK. I can’t fathom the strength this little one has, and as she spoke this secret pain the tears just began to fall from my eyes. I couldn’t control them. My own heart hurt became a little less as I let her story into the corners of my heart. I wanted to hold her, rock her, love on her, and promise her everything would be okay eventually. And if it wasn’t okay, then it would at least be bearable. But I barely knew her and so all I could do was pray and cry and love on her from afar while my own heart broke for her heartbreak.

I will be at the beach for the next few days, and I intend to spend some time working out all my thoughts, dealing with the pain of lies and broken promises, convincing myself that just because I’ve spent the last four days feeling hate from so many and loneliness at basically all times…I’m still okay and someone will love me, and I will attempt to glue yet another broken piece back together.

But I will also scream at the sky for the little girl that is now going through life without a daddy to hold her hand, teach her how to dance, and walk her down the isle. It’s the least I can do.

It was only yesterday that I had brain surgery.....

2011-07-06T17:39:00.000-04:00

There's one question I never completely know how to answer properly: does it feel like it's been a year?

Yes and no.

In some ways it feels like an eternity ago. Like it's part of my past, my Story, and has been over for a good 10 to 15 years.

But part of me feels like it was only yesterday.

Only yesterday that I had brain surgery, though today marks one year.

A whole year has passed and I sit here thinking over what I've done. Have I made it count? Have I lived to the fullest? Have I laughed so hard that I began to cry, have I sat and comforted a friend, have I noticed the many little blessings, have I loved hard even when it was hard?

Today is an important day in my life. It always will be from here on out. I knew on this day one year ago that my life was about to change drastically. I would either wake up from surgery in Heaven or I would wake up in the ICU...about to spend my life fighting cancer or spend time in recovery and then be able to go home. And if I got to go home then for the rest of my life it would be my responsibility to not take things for granted anymore. I knew I would notice the way little children dance and play, the color of the grass, all these little things that most never notice or appreciate...simply because I would still be here. Still be alive and breathing.

When I think back to that day I'm so grateful. I'm thankful for the brain tumor, as strange as that may sound. I'll post why in the coming week. But needless to say, I'm grateful. The entire process, but those two weeks (one before surgery and one after) changed my life forever.

It seems like only yesterday...

Only yesterday that I would wake up sick and not know what was wrong with me. Only yesterday that I woke up on the ground outside the blood place after passing out cold. It was only yesterday that a doctor told me I was making it all up. Only yesterday I was stubbornly saying that no, something was wrong and I need you to figure out what it is. Just yesterday I was going in for my first of many MRIs. It was only yesterday that we got the call to come in as soon as possible.

It seems like only yesterday that my doctor sat down across from me, looked me in the eye, and told me I had a brain tumor.

Just yesterday I was telling my brothers the results and packing for the hospital. Only yesterday that I looked around my clean room (just in case) and wondered whether I would see it again. Only yesterday that I met my neurosurgeon. It was just yesterday that we spent two days at the beach with our family at family reunion. It seems like just yesterday that we watched the fireworks and I prayed that I would be around next 4th of July to see them again. It was only yesterday that my aunts and girl cousins gathered around the table after the fireworks to pray over me and my upcoming surgery. It was only yesterday that I was hugging my brothers goodbye, piling in a quiet car with mom and dad, headed home to spend a night there before going to Miami.

It seems like only yesterday that I woke up really wondering where I would wake up the following morning. It seems like it was only yesterday that I was hooked up to different monitors as our pastors came and prayed with and for me. Only yesterday that I laid down and was taken to surgery. It was just yesterday that I woke up in the ICU and heard the girl beside me having seizure after seizure while her mom cried for help. It was only yesterday that I next woke up to be wheeled to a new room.

Just yesterday I stood up for the first time in days. It was only yesterday that I had to teach my legs and feet to walk one in front of the other again. It was only yesterday that I made a lap around the nurses station and then sat back down on the bed exhausted. It was only yesterday that I woke up in the middle of the night and fought with God to let me stay because my time wasn't done yet, I hadn't lived enough and done all that I needed to do. It was only yesterday that I woke up on Earth with relief that He let me win the battle. It was only yesterday that I made two laps around the entire floor and then came back to my room only to see all the smiles and hear the nurses congratulating me on walking so far all on my own.

It seems like only yesterday that I was being wheeled down the hall, going down the elevator, and helped into the car. It was just yesterday that we were headed home.

It's all so fresh in my mind. I can see everything, every room, as if it were only yesterday.

I never want to forget. I never want to lose the memories. I never want to believe anything, any lie, that doesn't proclaim that He healed me.

All glory goes to Him.

I'm thankful to be here. I thankful that it's been a year. I'm thankful that I saw the fireworks two days ago. I'm thankful that He has given me this platform and that this is my Story.

It seems like it was only yesterday...

Happy Fourth, Everyone

2011-07-04T20:11:00.000-04:00

Happy 4th of July!

I'm spending the evening watching fireworks at the beach - SO beautiful and magnificent.

I'll be sure to post some pictures once I can get them onto my computer.

It's amazing to me how much has changed in a year.

Last 4th of July I was about to have brain surgery and so I really enjoyed the fireworks for all they were worth. I was on this same beach with my family and extended family. We lit fireworks and sparklers, I took a bunch of pictures, and then all my aunts and girl cousins gathered around one table and prayed over me.

I hadn't been expecting that and it was just so sweet.

I left the next day around lunch, came home and packed for the hospital, and then headed to Miami EARLY Tuesday morning on July 6th.

Last July 4th...I didn't know if I would be alive to see another year of celebration and fireworks, smiles and bright colors lighting up the night sky.

I'm so happy to be here...I'm going to live this night to the best of my ability.

Heart Ramblings

2011-07-03T12:07:00.000-04:00

I wrote this a few days ago. It's just a little of my hearts ramblings, but maybe one of you will understand or perhaps even learn from it. What you could learn, I don't frankly know. But it's always a possibility. Either way, let the rambling begin.

I feel everything at once. I want to be angry and I want to cry. I want to shout and I want to throw my covers over my head and curl up only to sleep for days. I want answers and I want the truth. No, those aren’t always the same thing. I want this to all be over, but I want everyone to have enough time to work through it personally. I want forgiveness and restoration, but I want apologies and honesty. I want to yell at the hypocrite(s) and I want to whisper bitter words. I want to bring Him glory and I want to win the war, but I also want to hold onto my frustration because in that there is power. Except that the power isn’t real, and only holds me captive and not anyone else. It punishes me, not the one I want to feel sorry. I’m feeling everything and I’m just simply confused. Which is completely absurd since nothing in this moment seems at all simple.

A Storm and Reflections On Finding Out I Had A Brain Tumor

2011-07-02T00:52:00.000-04:00

*This was meant to go up on 7/1/11. Sorryyy. Time slipped away from me once again.*

I woke up today to possibly the biggest storm I've ever heard. The thunder made it feel like our house was shaking. There was a lightning bolt so strong and huge that I actually shook so hard beneath my covers that I woke from my dream. The storm raged on and I carefully unplugged electronics and then hunkered down...just in case.

The whole thing seemed so appropriate.

(via)

There's nothing like a bolt of lightning to explain this time of my life...one year ago.

After all, it was one year ago yesterday that I woke up sick, only to get a call from my doctors office saying to come in as soon as possible.

One year ago yesterday I found out that I had a brain tumor and that it needed to be removed. Not removed in a few months or even two weeks.

No. As soon as it could possibly be removed, that's when it needed to go.

I remember that day so clearly. I woke up early that Wednesday morning because I was going to go over and help paint my youth pastors house with my senior class. He had just moved and we all wanted to help out. I got up early so that I would have time to get ready before heading over.

But as soon as I opened my eyes I felt sick. Just like countless times before, I woke up with extreme motion sickness...like I was seasick. It literally felt like everything around me was spinning while I was staying still.

All as soon as I opened my eyes, before ever even moving or getting out of bed.

I ran for the toilet and tried my best to not throw up. Normally I just let it come, but I was dead set on going to help paint. I wanted to hang out with everyone while helping our youth pastor.

(via)

Some how I was able to keep it all down, but I still felt sick. About this time mom got a call from the doctors office. I had just gotten my MRI done the previous night and was scheduled to go to the doctors office the next day, Thursday. But when they called that morning they told mom that we needed to come in immediately.

Well obviously something was very wrong with me if they couldn't wait one day to tell me what the scans of my brain and neck had shown.

So I sent a quick text to E (since I knew for sure she was going) that basically said, "I woke up sick. I can't come now, going to the doctor. Sorry! Tell everyone I say hi." And then we left, me still trying not to throw up the entire ride.

Except for the music playing, it was a silent 30 minute ride.

We pulled in and parked on the right side, lower level, two or three spots from the end. (Which is really weird because that's right where we parked when I went back for my latest visit.)

We walked up, mom checked me in, and then they called us to this back room that I had seen but never really been in. And I've been going to this doctors office since I was basically a baby.

Inside the room there's a couch, a coffee table type thing. a desk, a filing cabinet, and a picture of two on the wall. I sat on the left side of the couch, mom took the right, and the head doctor sat on the edge of the coffee table.

He looked straight at me and said, "I don't really know how to say this except to just say it. You have a brain tumor."

At that moment I looked past him, a little to the left, to a piece of artwork on the wall. I could hear him still talking in the background, my mom asking questions and him answering them, and I could hear details being shared about my scans from the previous night...

...But my mind wasn't there.

I wasn't thinking about surgery or the pain it would bring. I wasn't even to the point where you inevitably think 'I may never see anyone again.'

No, I was praying.

I don't say that to sound high and mighty, but because it was my gut reaction, my first thought.

And truthfully, that fact still to this day shocks me.

But I prayed basically this: Huh. It makes sense now. God, it makes sense. I have a brain tumor. Wow God...I don't even feel scared. I trust You completely God. Whatever happens. Thank you for this Peace. I wonder what will happen to me next. Either way, no matter whether I live or die, I feel complete Peace. Thank you, I've never felt anything like this.

I came back around as he asked me if I had any questions. I looked at my doctor and asked the only thing I really wanted to know at that point.

"Can I see the scans??"

Eyebrows raised, full of anticipation, I waited for his response.

In return I got a surprised look and a little bit of stammering as he explained that of course I can, but right now they only have the report, not the actual scans. But when they arrived I could see them.

He stammered because he was surprised. I wasn't worried or crying.

Not a single tear fell from my eye as I learned of my brain tumor.

I felt nothing but peace.

(via)

My mom began asking questions and this time I paid more attention to them. We learned that I should go to a hospital in Miami. There was a good place in Texas, too, but Miami was much closer and highly recommended. My doctors office had already been in contact with them, and we were told that we would need to go home and pack whatever we needed. We needed to be ready to leave for Miami at a moments notice. Once there I would undergo more tests and I would meet with my neurosurgeon. From there we would figure out when I would have surgery.

The bottom line was that it needed to come out as soon as possible. They didn't know if it was cancerous or not, but it was big and couldn't stay.

The doctor left the room, I think mom asked if I was scared and I just said no. She kept crying and then stepped out to go call dad. He works near the doctors office, so she was calling to tell him to come there.

The doctor came back in, sat back down, put his hand on my knee and asked if I had questions (again) and how I was doing. I just said I was fine, I didn't have questions. I think it was at this point that he said something about how my mom was taking it, and it was then that a single tear fell from my eye as I thought of my mom sobbing. Other than that, though, no tears.

Dad showed up and mom and I briefed him on everything and then the doctor came back in and explained in more detail. Dad went back to work and mom and I drove home in silence, both of our minds all over the place.

We walked inside, I went to the kitchen to get a drink of water, and mom called the boys inside. They knew we had gone to the doctors. As soon as they walked in they knew something was wrong. Mom opened her mouth to speak, but she couldn't and she started crying.

So I looked straight at my brothers and said, kind of in a monotone, that the doctors had found a brain tumor and it needed to be removed as soon as possible, and we were now waiting to hear from Miami and then would leave to go there.

As soon as I finished saying that I went to my room and just sat on my bed for a long while. Not doing anything really. A little thinking, a little praying, but mainly I just sat there.

We heard from Miami and were told to go there Friday morning, which we did. The story continues of course, but today I've been thinking on all those details I just went over. Those were one year ago yesterday.

One year ago today was the in between.

(via)

The time in my life where everything had been turned upside down, I didn't know whether I would make it through surgery...and I couldn't even tell anyone about it.

I could after Fridays appointment, but on Wednesday and Thursday mom asked/told me to not Facebook or email or whatnot about it...not until we had more answers.

It was the time of In Between. All on my own, but complete Peace from Him.

The storm from earlier today was perfect. It felt so...right. I feel like it was from God, just for me.

A way of Him saying 'I remember. I remember what this time was like for you last year. I was there, and I'm here now. I'm angry for the pain you experienced, the people that talked about you behind your back saying that you were making it all up. I felt it all, too.

I'm angry that you ever had to go through it all, and I will show that anger today in the form of louder and more powerful lightning than you've ever seen. But you must remember that lightning, in all its power and strength and danger, even, is beautiful. It lights up the dark sky, and amidst the clouds and rain it can guide a path. It shows where the storm is moving. It is beauty in the midst of a raging storm.

That's what this time last year was for you. One of the hardest times of your life, one of the darkest times from an outsiders perspective...but there was so much beauty inside the storm that only you experienced. And so much beauty that has come BECAUSE of the storm. These lightning bolts, this storm, it's all for you. I remember.'

Thank you God for this day and that I am here to tell of it. More importantly, thank you for one year ago...when You showed up more powerfully than anyone could dream...to hold my hand when I needed a friend, to carry me when I couldn't walk, to provide Peace in a raging storm, and to prove Yourself Faithful for the world to see in my meager words. Thank you for the Story You have provided me with, let me bring You glory from it always.

Prepare Yourself For Complete Randomness

2011-06-30T20:07:00.000-04:00

Hungry. Bored. Nothing to do except math, WHICH I WILL NOT DO TONIGHT. So I'm sitting here taking pictures of myself.

Fantastic.

Ignore the awkward arm and continue on...

So today I'm wearing this new shirt and every time I'm walking around the house and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I'm amazed at the wonder of this shirt. It's so simple, but it makes me look skinny. I'M NOT EVEN SUCKING IN, GUYS. What kind of life is this. $6 well spent. Amen and hallelujah.

***

Earlier today I was just walking around the house and I stepped on something cold. Naturally I looked down and realized it was a DEAD LIZARD.

My foot will never be clean again.

(Obviously just kidding.)

(Obviously gross all the same.)

***

When every word that comes out of your mouth is a complaint, maybe it's time that you shut up.

(Not trying to be rude, but it's a thought that's been rolling around my head recently and I don't know...I just think some people should think before speaking nastiness.)

A Few Favorite Quotes

2011-06-29T00:50:00.004-04:00

The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful flower of all. -Mulan

The best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother. -Dr. James Dobson

There’s only now, there’s only here. Give into love, or live in fear. No other path, no other way. No day but today. -RENT

It’s a wonder I haven’t abandoned all my ideals; they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet, I cling to them because I still believe in spite of everything, people are truly good at heart. -Anne Frank

You have nothing to fear but getting in His way and trying to “write the script” rather than following His. Sometimes what you perceive as the best is nothing more than a generic version. -Lady In Waiting

Pile up enough tomorrows and you’ll find you’ve collected nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays. Don’t know about you but I’d like to make today worth remembering. -Music Man

The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it. -Thomas S. Monson

Which one is your favorite? Which can you relate to the most? Do you have any favorite quotes?

Seeing Beauty Anyways

2011-06-27T13:11:00.001-04:00

I haven't really been around much AT ALL this summer. I was gone all last week at camp, and have so much that I learned from that week that I will share with you all if only I can find the words. I apologize for not being around here much recently, but I haven't been able to take my computer with me on almost all of these trips. Here is a little something I wrote this weekend...maybe it will tide you over. :)

This is me. In my pajamas. No make up (typical) and nothing done to my hair. I didn’t even brush it this afternoon after my shower. I’m not even wearing my pearl earrings, which I wear ALL THE TIME. Not when I’m sleeping…but other than that, you will find me wearing them. They help me feel better, more confident. Which I realize sounds ridiculous and insane, but it’s the truth.

There was a time (many times, in fact) when I really hated how I looked. I used to try to change it. I even made a list of things about myself that I hated. I’m ashamed of how long that list became. But over time I began to do my best to change those things. I slowly was able to cross items off the list. Not just because I changed a few of them, but because I learned to accept myself for who I am.

I may not be the most beautiful person you’ll ever meet. Actually, I can guarantee you that won’t be the case. If you doubt the truth in that statement, just let me introduce you to my friends. They’re freaking gorgeous and I can’t compare to that. But I am me and I choose each day to believe the quote I came up with years ago, the saying that is stuck to my mirror: They aren’t faults. They are just things to overcome.

This is me. Take it or leave it, I will find the beauty either way.

Let's Party Like We Graduated!

2011-06-23T00:26:00.000-04:00

Senior Sunday (which I posted about on Tuesday) was at the beginning of May. On the 21st of May was my actual graduation. We tried to get pictures during the ceremony, but none of them turned out very well. The best we could get is this blurry one:

After graduation it was time to party :) Definitely an accomplishment worth celebrating :)

I love this child so much

I also happen to love this lady quite a bit. She's been like another mother to me at times. Completely impacted and influenced my life for good.

Oh hey I wore a strapless dress and then changed into a strapless top and shorts....and neither the dress nor the top fell down. IT WAS A MIRACLE. First time I've been able to wear strapless and it was just lovely.

Oh Hey I Graduated :)

2011-06-21T00:24:00.000-04:00

About a month and a half ago I graduated from church (which is just a day in May each year that we call Senior Sunday where each senior walks down the isle, meets their parents that are waiting for them, and stands in front of the church. While they're walking down, someone is reading a paragraph about them, what they've done, and where they're going to college and what they hope/plan to do.)

It's not a huge deal, but for me...I've grown up in this church. I've gone there since I was born, before I was born if you want to get technical. So to walk down the isle as a bit of a 'goodbye' to the church (for now, at least) was just weird, sad, and exciting all in one.

Part of our graduating class:

I would be the one with my eyes closed...

This year we did something a little different. After service where we walked down the isle, there was a reception where each senior had set up a table for everyone to look at it. On the tables were pictures, books, and book or frame to sign, and little objects that represent each of us. Here are (many) pictures of my table:

Eyes Wide Open

2011-06-19T00:46:00.000-04:00

I don't have pretty words or coherent sentences for you tonight. Nothing I type out would begin to make sense. I know, because it doesn't even all make sense in my head.

My heart has been going through a lot recently. Nothing terrible or life-altering...yet I feel deep inside me that this time in my life, these past few months, are going to shape a piece of me that will always remain.

I feel like I'm the statue being carved down, pieces shaven off here and there, or the piece of pottery being formed, lumps of clay being removed time after time.

I've tried to make sense of it all in my head, but I've come to the conclusion that

it

just

isn't

going

to

all

make

sense

No matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter what idea I come up with...it will not all make sense.

I only see what's happening here and now, and yet so often I DON'T see it.

My eyes are open but I am blind.

Blind to those around me.

Blind to what all is happening, changing.

Blind to what needs to be done.

I try to live with my eyes open, ready to see what is coming next, watchful of the stories being woven around me.

So while I don't have many answers, and while I don't understand how to get my thoughts out on the page in a way that will make any sense at all, I do know one thing:

I don't want to live blind.

Quickie Post - Back For A Few Days

2011-06-16T16:48:00.000-04:00

Well hello again! I am back home from Kids Camp, Senior Trip, and College Orientation.

I had a few posts set to go up while I was gone, but for the most part it's been quiet around here. I haven't even gotten on to read any blog posts from bloggy friends.

I have SO SO much to catch up on!

I have a list of stuff to do in the next few days before I head out again (I'm busiest during the summer, and that's exactly how I like it!) so I will try to pop in here once or twice. In the mean time I'll be cleaning my room, uploading pictures, and catching up on a bajillion blog posts.

See you soon, and I hope you're enjoying your summer so far!

Devotion #3 - Lead LOUD

2011-06-09T13:06:00.001-04:00

While I'm gone at Kids Camp these few days (and there are people still at home while I am gone. I am the only one out of town, for all the potential thieves out there. thankyouverymuch. DON'T ROB MY HOUSE. Kthanks.) I thought I would share with you the devotions I wrote for Kids Camp. You may remember me asking for your advice on the topics a few days ago. These are written for the high school group that goes. We do chapel skits, chapel games, are in charge of all the rec games and free time. The kids have their own separate devotions. The themes for Kids Camp this year were: Live LOUD, Love LOUD, Lead LOUD. Focusing on the LOUD, obviously. :) Enjoy!

LEAD LOUD

Today the kids will be learning about leading LOUD. The verse they will read and hear about is 1 John 5:4

"For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith."

"Leadership comes in many forms and levels. It is sometimes defined as the ability to create in others the desire to follow. Leaders need to know what they believe and why. As a Christian leader, you are a witness, one who shows others how to follow Christ as you follow the leadership of God." To lead others to Christ you must first be following God yourself. God will lead you as you lead others.

How do you become an effective leader, and what will it take? Well first keep in mind that we were born to be victorious and overcome the world. We were born to lead unbelievers to Christ, and to lead believers to follow Christ. We've been given the power, courage, and strength to lead, but often we don't tap into those things. We sit by and become a follower, but we weren't made for that.

Also, remember that a leader is one who serves, not one who orders others around. Boss and leader are two different things.

Jesus told them, "In this world the kings and great men lord it over their people, yet they are called 'friends of the people.' But among you it will be different. Those who are the greatest among you should take the lowest rank, and the leader should be like a servant." - Luke 22:25-26

Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of everyone else. -Mark 10:43-44

Here are some examples of who leaders are and what leaders do:

Leaders practice what they preach.

Leaders live a lifestyle consistent with the standards they expect of others.

Leaders have a clear sense of mission and what they want to accomplish.

Leaders serve those they lead in practical, sacrificial, humbling ways.

Leaders use the power, courage, and strength they have been given for God's glory.

Leaders listen and respond to the needs of those around them.

Leaders develop teams which create community.

Leaders share responsibilities and work through tough issues, gaining strength from mutual encouragement and accountability.

Leaders saturate their decisions with prayer.

Leaders do not emphasize themselves.

Being a leader is hard. There's nothing easy about it, and the role of leading comes along with many responsibilities. But to be a leader is an honor, and to lead people towards Jesus is the best thing you can do. Lead LOUD and don't be ashamed to lead people to Christ. The most important thing to remember about leadership is this: You must learn to follow God before you can learn to lead. Once you are ready to lead, lead others in the right path.

· In what areas would you be considered a leader? School? Church?

· In the list of examples above, what do you have the hardest time with?

· As we finish up this time at Kids Camp look for ways you can lead through serving.

Devotion #2 - Love LOUD

2011-06-08T13:03:00.001-04:00

LOVE LOUD

A life of love is obedience to Christ.

We've all heard it a hundred times. "The most important commandment is to love God. The second is to love your neighbor as yourself." We know love is important, and we've read 1 Corinthians 13 (the love chapter) many times. But I'm going to ask that you listen once more instead of zoning out. Really think about love for the next 15 minutes. How love has impacted you, and how you hope to impact others with that same love. Or perhaps I should say, Love.

"A healthy definition of love is crucial to understanding the central message of the Bible. The Bible teaches that love is a commitment. As a commitment, love is not dependent on good feelings, but rather on a consistent and courageous decision to extend oneself for the well-being of another. The commitment then produces good feelings, not the other way around."

Pause for just a moment and think over 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love never ends.

Love IS. It's easy to skip over that and think, "Well I'm good at almost all that. I just need to work on being more patient." Or less irritable or less prideful. We each have our own thing or two that we need to work on. But when it comes down to it we don't need to learn about patience or not being jealous. We need to learn about love. Because love is patient. Love is not jealous. If we love, we are those things.

Sometimes it's easy to love people. You don't have to think twice about loving your best friend, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You just simply love them. But what about the people that say mean things about you? The guy that betrayed you? The girl that, for whatever reason, you just can't stand being around? What about the people that are hard to love?

We know we're called to love them, but how? Read back over the quote at the beginning of the devotion. "Love is not dependent on good feelings... The commitment produces good feelings, not the other way around. When, for whatever reason, we don't like someone, we still must love them. Even when it isn't easy and there aren't good feelings there. Love doesn't rely on good feelings. It actually produces good feelings. So how do you love them? You just do. You listen or you smile at them. You speak in a kind tone and you don't ignore them. You do whatever you can to be friendly and nice.

The hardest part is that even when you love them, things may not change. People may still say mean things. The guy might not apologize and you might still dislike being around that girl. But the commitment of love produces good feelings in YOU by producing patience, kindness, etc. Whether other people reciprocate that love is up to them. You're responsible for your own actions. Loving LOUD means that a life of love is obedience to Christ. Loving whoever, whenever, wherever. "Love does not mean that you will necessarily feel affection for all people, but that you are committed to the way of valuing others as they are valued by God."

· What keeps you from loving others (which is obeying God)?

· Read over 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a. What do you struggle with most? What needs the most work? Keep in mind that love will produce those qualities in you.

· Who is hard for you to love, and how can you go out of your way to love them in the coming days or weeks?

Devotion #1 - Live LOUD

2011-06-07T13:05:00.001-04:00

LIVE LOUD

Not just believe but actions, deeds and conduct should point to Christ.

Living LOUD can mean so many different things. At first it sounds like you should live loudly, drawing attention to yourself in an attempt to be popular, have more friends, or protect your reputation. You would want every good deed done to be known by everyone. Another meaning could be to live out loud. This type of living doesn't hide who you are, what you do or don't do, and it often requires a level of trust. It's authentic.

I think living LOUD is a mixture of those two different meanings. By living out loud and being yourself -no mask or fake smile- you're being authentic and saying, "This is who I am, love it or hate it He has made me and I am His." Living in that way will draw attention to yourself without ever even trying. People will wonder why you pray before eating, why you don't talk about people behind their backs, and why you seem perfectly comfortable having a conversation about Jesus. It isn't that you're trying to draw attention to yourself. You're simply showing Jesus through your words and actions, and Jesus will use that to draw people to Himself.

One of the greatest challenges in living LOUD is the pressure to conform. It seems so much easier to go with what the world says, do what the world does, and believe as they believe. But if we are going to live LOUD we are called to act and think differently.

"A potter shapes a lump of clay into an object of his design. The pliable material conforms to his idea of how it should look and function. Culture does the same thing to people. It has a way of molding us and conforming us to its way of looking, thinking, and behaving. Unfortunately, our culture's values morals rarely reflect Gods values and morals, so when we conform to it, we no longer reflect God. The Christians task is to conform to Jesus' way of thinking and acting, even when it goes against culture. Jesus wants to break the old mold and shape us into new people."

· Read Luke 18:21-23 --- What do you have the hardest time giving up? In other words, what are you hanging onto that keeps you from living LOUD?

· Read 1 Chronicles 15:27-29 --- David wasn't ashamed or embarrassed to live LOUD in a way that glorified and worshipped God, even though some thought he looked silly. It's easy to say we would do something embarrassing for God to bring Him glory, but when you honestly think about what others might think...would you still do it? Would you still live LOUD no matter the cost to your reputation, your friendships, your popularity?

Linky Time

2011-06-05T12:32:00.001-04:00

A group of bloggers headed to the Philippines with Compassion International. If you haven't been following their posts as they've been over there, you need to catch up! Two of my favorites have been this post by Shaun and this post by Emily.

This post has been all over tons of different blogs this week. But if you haven't read it yet then you are really missing out. I love Compassion, I've said it many times. Here is a little peak into the great things they are doing, and a little magic trick God performed for Kristen. :)

And I'm sorry but the picture of the boy with bare feet walking through the trash filled water carrying their shoes? Lord help us we are so blessed and they are so grateful for the little they have.

If you've been wounded, cheated, disappointed, or heartbroken, then this is for you. And who of us doesn't fall into one of those categories?

I have no smooth transition for this, except that I like sweaters and I like to read good blog posts. I know, my best skill when it comes to blogging is a transition.

(via)

Lately I have been really into sweaters. I know I live in Florida and it's, well, summer...but the temperature is basically the same here year round. So I can get away with a sweater for a little while longer. Not too much longer, but then hey I'll be in Alabama for months and will definitely be a fan of the sweater then. I found a cute one on sale at Target yesterday, and I really like this more vintage looking one from Forever 21. And score, it's on sale (but barely) and comes in multiple colors!

(via)

This ring is beautiful! And it's on sale. Hello! I love the word sale. Even better than the sale is that it comes in three different color choices. Of course I'm going with the Orange Turquoise one. That's a no brainer.

Have a great day and enjoy summer break!

My First and Last Prom Experience

2011-06-03T13:56:00.000-04:00

Guess who went to prom? :) I went back and forth on it, and there was a bit of drama right near the end over my prom ticket, but it all worked out. Here are my favorite pictures of the night.

Awkward pose!

(edited)

Exhausted from dancing, but we had a good time!

Three Years of Easter

2011-06-01T15:40:00.000-04:00

Easter through the years. A little walk down memory lane in my Easter dress. :)

2009

2010

2011

LOUD!

2011-05-31T14:48:00.000-04:00

Last year I was responsible for writing two devotionals for Kids Camp. They wouldn't be read by the kids, but by the Event Staff/Rec Crew.

AKA highschoolers

We go and run all the games, free time, skits, etc. Wihle we're there we get a devotion book (written by fellow highschoolers) to read over each morning before going to the camp and serving/loving on some kids.

I shared the two devotions I wrote last year here and here.

The first one was about unity and being a team.

The second was about sharing the news of Jesus Christ not only at camp, but every day of our lives.

This year I've been asked to write three different devotions for the Event Staff/Rec Crew.

I've been asked to write about

Living loud

Loving loud

Leading loud

Here is the idea behind each one:

Living: Not just believe but actions, deeds, and conduct should point to Christ.

Loving: A life of love is obedience to Christ.

Leading: The victorious life - "For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith." 1 John 5:4

The purpose of camp this year is "to challenge the kids in their walk with the Lord so that their lives would line up with what they claim they believe. Their lives should reflect who they worship."

I want to stick with that purpose as I write the devotionals. I have some ideas for each one, but would love to welcome your input!

What does it mean to you to live, love, and lead loud? Which is hardest for you? Living what you believe, loving out loud, or leading others in what you believe?

Sunday Song #21

2011-05-29T12:58:00.005-04:00

Gosh it's been a longgggg time since I've done Sunday Song. I love that I feel like I always have something to post on Sunday if I'm able to find the time, yet it's not a requirement on me. I don't know if that even makes logical sense, but I like it either way.

If you didn't see it coming, today's song is a tad obvious from yesterday's post.

Sunday Song info: I post the lyrics and then post them again (because I'm redundant-which you already know, if you frequently visit here)...but the second time I include my thoughts. There's also a video of the song that you can play while reading the post.

Eye of the Hurricane by Me In Motion

Feels like the hurricane has come
Feels like this ship is sinking
These skies seem empty of your mercy tonight
Sometimes the mystery of grace runs deeper then I'm thinking
In the dark I find your light

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

Sometimes I am crying for relief
God let this night be over,
One word if you would speak could silence the storm
Instead your mercy has a way of turning heartache to faith
That hope will be reborn

(Chorus)
When I am over my head yeah
I'm waiting for a miracle
I'm fighting the wind and the waves
Then the weight of this storm drives me straight to your arms
You hold me I know that I'm safe in the eye of the hurricane
In the eye of the hurricane

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

When I'm too weak to make it through
That's when you draw me close to you
One thing that I know is always true
Your love doesn't change

(Chorus)
When I am over my head yeah
I'm waiting for a miracle
I'm fighting the wind and the waves
Then the weight of this storm drives me straight to your arms
You hold me I know that I'm safe in the eye of the hurricane
In the eye of the hurricane

*I've tried lots of different things, but Blogger isn't letting me put a video on here like it usually does. To listen to the song (with lyrics) on YouTube just click right here.*

Feels like the hurricane has come

Feels like this ship is sinking
These skies seem empty of your mercy tonight
Sometimes the mystery of grace runs deeper then I'm thinking
In the dark I find your light

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I'm not the only one that has ever felt like they're in the middle of a hurricane. One that will certainly ruin your life, relationships, and plans. It can feel like it's all over and that there's no hope. Like the 'ship is sinking.' I've been there and I've certainly felt that to an extreme. But I also have felt the assurance of hope and truth that says, "the mystery of grace runs deep" and "in the dark you'll find light." We wouldn't know light apart from darkness.

(Chorus)

When I'm over my head yeah
I'm waiting for a miracle
I'm fighting the wind and the waves

Then the weight of this storm drives me straight to your arms
You hold me I know that I'm safe in the eye of the hurricane
In the eye of the hurricane

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

Gosh I feel over my head pretty often. It doesn't even take a big disaster to bring on stress and make me want to throw my hands over my head and run for cover. Schedules, check lists, things left on my mental to-do list day after day...it can feel like nothing is getting accomplished and that I'm in over my head.

But then there are the big things. The problems and situations that will only be solved - can only be healed and restored- by nothing short of a miracle. I've fought the wind and the waves and let me tell you: You can keep on fighting and being pulled out by the current of ever present trials and hard times, or you can let the storm(s) drive you straight into His arms. Those are your two choices. One is much easier than the other, but it often seems like the harder choice until you're there and you're safe. Because we like to do-do-do and fix-fix-fix and we like to be the Solvers. Not Runners. We would rather come up with the solution ourselves and stay in the storm, battered and broken by every wave and current...instead of going to His arms, content that He will calm the storm in His own Timing.

That's what we're afraid of, right? His Timing. Because we believe we can solve it Right Now.

I speak to myself here, but can I just ask, when have you ever been able to walk on water to calm the storm beneath your feet? Hmm? Never.

It may seem like it for a while. The waves might subside for an hour or two, you might catch a breath. But they come back.

Wouldn't it just be easier to let the waves pull you to His arms where you can rest in safety while HE drives the wind and waves away?

(Again, speaking to myself.)

Sometimes I'm crying for relief

God let this night be over
One word if you would speak could silence the storm
Instead your mercy has a way of turning heartache to faith
That hope will be reborn

This is the hardest part for me. Not because of control, though that plays a significant part. No, see I begin to think I'm God. Or even worse...better than God. In my mind I think, "All you have to do is say "stop." Just one little word and it could all be over. It wouldn't take much of your time or effort, and it would drasticially change my life for the better. Bright and new could come, and the pain of yesterdays would fall away. Restoration and healing and a whole heart would all be mine. You simply have to say the word."

I tell God what to do. As if I know better than He.

Through the nights of sobbing and wailing and begging for relief and hope, just hope...heartache turns to faith.

Maybe not because of what I say, but because I speak.

I continue to speak to the God of the Universe, whether He chooses to calm the storm or not.

Heartache to faith. Heartache to trust. Heartache to love.

(Chorus)

When I'm over my head yeah
I'm waiting for a miracle
I'm fighting the wind and the waves
Then the weight of this storm drives me straight to your arms
You hold me I know that I'm safe in the eye of the hurricane
In the eye of the hurricane

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

When I'm too weak to make it through

That's when you draw me close to you
One thing that I know is always true
Your love doesn't change

That is part of my Story. I try to be strong and I often hold out for as long as I can. But I always end up too weak to battle the storms in my life, and that's when He quietly and surely draws me to Him. That's when it becomes as obvious as night from day to me: His love is always there because it

simply

doesn't

change

Glorious. What a relief. Suddenly I'm able to breathe again.

(Chorus)

When I'm over my head yeah
I'm waiting for a miracle
I'am fighting the wind and the waves
Then the weight of this storm drives me straight to your arms
You hold me I know that I'm safe in the eye of the hurricane
In the eye of the hurricane

Field of Vision - Status: Clear

2011-05-28T14:48:00.000-04:00

"In the Eye." I wrote about feeling like I was in the eye of the hurricane. I've faced being sick for months, I've faced the news of a brain tumor, and then I've faced brain surgery and healing.

And then a couple weeks ago I had to face some possible eye problems, and the doctor was worried I either had an eye disease or that the pressure in my eye had become too high because of brain surgery. I didn't share about the eye disease part because it wasn't too likely.

But I felt like I was leaving the eye (no pun intended) of the hurricane. Like the storm of brain surgery had come, and I had spent months thinking I was fine and healed...and then this. Eye problems. Too much pressure in my brain behind my eyes.

I went to the doctor and he said everything seemed to be fine, but that my pressure was high. Still normal, but about as high as it can go while being normal. I was scheduled to go back the following week for more tests that would show if my vision field was normal after surgery.

I went back. And I'm normal.

Shock and awe people, shock and awe.

Me, normal? Typically I would say I'm not normal at all. But in this case? I'll take it with a big smile on my face.

I'll go back for another checkup and more tests once I come home from college after a semester. Until then, though? I'm going to believe that there is no eye, and that my hurricane has simply blown through.

I Made It!

2011-05-27T23:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was easier than I thought it would be.

I thought of her often. So often.

But I didn't cry over her, or us, at all.

Not even once.

I cried yesterday, oh I cried. I was up until 3am reading a great book (Leaving by Karen Kingsbury) and at the end the girl says goodbye to her brothers and leaves for New York.

Sobbing. Me. At 3am.

All I could think was...this is me. This is me in August when I watch them pile back in the van and driver off toward Florida, leaving me behind.

As it should be, I know. But it will still tear my heart.

Oh we fight and yell and say things all the time that we don't really mean. Hurtful, mean things. But at the end of the day, I love them so much.

We never really say it. "I love you." We just don't. Never really have, probably never will. But I really love them and watching them drive away will be so hard. Yet I'm so excited for school. Such a mix of emotions! But last night was just so sad. 91 days until I'm at Samford and they're back home. August 26, less than three months away.

Funny how the dates match up. May 26th, the end and the beginning of a new chapter in my life. August 26th, two years later, the end and the beginning of yet another new chapter.

I'm a girl that loves dates. I remember tonsss of random dates that no one else does. They mean something special to me.

Anyway, such a long rabbit trail, but yesterday really was okay. I woke up (kind of) early and was dead tired so I went back to bed. The next time I woke up it was past the time when it all ended.

I slept right through it. Maybe that was best. Because for the rest of the day I didn't have to think, 'it's almost here. one more hour. right now we were fighting. okay, right now she was telling me this.'

Instead I was able to just think to what had happened right after. Which was brutally ugly and painful, but at least the nasty words were over and somehow, my day just seemed better not having to think on that part of my Story.

I got through the day without crying over her or us, and that was such a relief. I know in my heart of hearts that I haven't (and probably never will) totally moved on. But this felt like proof to me.

I'm getting there.

I can live again. Some day I will really live again, and that day is closer now than it was before. And I did it on my own. No texts to help me through the day. No emails or reminders that I'm strong from friends. Nothing from anyone that showed they remembered the worst day of each year.

Just me on my own with some help from God.

Guess who survived. :)

Almost Two Years

2011-05-25T23:51:00.000-04:00

*Tonight Isaiah 25:1 has been my reminder - "O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago."

There are only 12 minutes left before I re-enter the worst day of my life. Come tomorrow it will be two years since our fight. We rarely rarely fought, though we argued and disagreed about many things. Fighting? No.

Two years ago we said nasty words and I lost my other half. I lost my sister and my very best friend. I lost the other part of me, the girl who will forever hold a huge piece of my heart.

There are only a few minutes before I live through those 24 hours once again. Looking at the clock over and over, unable to NOT think back to what exactly I was doing, feeling, thinking during those 24 hours.

I have grown up since then. I have learned and I have tried my best to continue living, really living. But there is a hole inside of me and it goes deep down to a void that no one seems able to fill again. I lost my love and in doing so I lost love.

Love, no. Not Love. But earthly love, yes.

I rarely talk about her here on my blog anymore (this was not on purpose, but just something that happened as I gradually got stronger). In fact I barely talk about any of them here. Over time part of my heart has moved on. How could it not, when the other option was to stay full inside hope and this-will-change land...leaving me in pain and scarring and unloveable territory.

Part of my heart has moved on.

The other part is still there waiting, hoping, unable to draw a breath on some days when the pain of memories and what-ifs and how-could-this-be-our-futures suffocate me. I remember them, her, see the faces in the halls and my heart catches in my throat as I try to smile in a friendly way, while inside my heart is struggling to continue a regular pattern of beating after just seeing the ones who hold the long-lost pieces of my shattered heart.

I have broken. Two years of broken lives, broken dreams, broken promises, broken love, broken hope, broken hearts.

I will live the pain for a full 24 hours. I do not know yet how not to, for it has only been two years.

How can you learn to breathe again when half of your heart is not missing, but is simply lost within broken love for a love-lost sister who is never coming back?

How do you breathe?

breaking apart

2011-05-24T18:57:00.001-04:00

Pain hurts the most when no one realizes you're drowning. Memories sting the worst and suffocate when you're alone. Sometimes that means in a quiet house. Other times it means in a large room crowded with people, yet you sit lonely in a corner. Or even at other times you're in that same room with the same people, standing in a circle and talking, smiling, laughing, but your mind is a million miles away. Is it worse to break and shatter and try to hold the pieces together without telling anyone? Then it's all up to you, the outcome is in your hands and whether you mend or fall to pieces on the floor is in your control. Or is it better to break and shatter and try to hold the pieces together, while reaching out to someone and crying that you can't survive much longer? They may listen, they may not. But if you're truly shattering into millions of pieces then you will only tell a trusted soul, one proven true over time. If that trusted one listens and then does nothing to comfort, has no word of advice, no hug to breathe life and hope back into you, no fingers quickly there to dry the tears, if that person does nothing then all the shards of your heart will fall to the ground and you will be left utterly alone with no one, not even a trusted soul, to help you clean up the mess of a love-filled heart shattered helplessly on the floor. The devastation and pain will go deeper inside of you, cutting at your faith and hope.

But what if that trusted soul loves you deep enough to cry with you, feel your pain, wipe your eyes, breathe new hope, and tape together your broken pieces?

You never know. What if?

Today Is A Big Day

2011-05-21T00:49:00.002-04:00

The day has arrived.

I'm graduating today!!!

(No time to post about it...I've got a gown to wear and a party to attend!)

It's All Over

2011-05-20T09:28:00.001-04:00

The world is going to end tomorrow.

In case you didn't know.

It is also going to end in 2012.

Because that makes perfect sense.

Beware! Get ready! Prepare yourselves! The world will end tomorrow, May 21st, 2011, and it will also end in 2012!

What genius came up with that? Stupidity at its finest.

The world will not end tomorrow or at the end of 2012.

I know because of Mark 13:32

"But the exact day and hour? No one knows that, not even heaven's angels, not even the Son. Only the Father. So keep a sharp lookout, for you don't know the timetable. It's like a man who takes a trip, leaving home and putting his servants in charge, each assigned a task, and commanding the gatekeeper to stand watch. So, stay at your post, watching. You have no idea when the homeowner is returning, whether evening, midnight, cockcrow, or morning. You don't want him showing up unannounced, with you asleep on the job. I say it to you, and I'm saying it to all: Stay at your post. Keep watch."

No one knows the day or hour. So how could it possibly be tomorrow, or the end of 2012, which many people suspect. How could that be?

It can't.

Not if you believe what I believe.

And if you don't believe what I believe, then I suppose I have only a few more hours left to live.

Which makes me really sit down and think about it. What would I do if I only had a few more hours, a day, to live? What would you do?

I think I would come up with many things. Call a few friends. Write a couple notes. All good things, yes.

But when it comes down to it, I would start by really living.

My challenge is this: Don't wait for the imminent sting of death to push you to really live. Live now.

To Hogsmeade And Back

2011-05-18T19:42:00.001-04:00

I've gone to Hogsmeade and Hogwarts and am now back home. Again. :) I said Monday that I would be going some day this week, but couldn't very well tell you that I was actually spending all day Tuesday (yesterday) at Universal. I mean, what if someone was a jerk and came and tried to rob our house?

No, I don't think so.

But alas, I went yesterday and got home last night, watched the end of The Biggest Loser, watched The Voice, and then I crashed.

I woke up at 1 o'clock today.

It was fantastic. In my dream I had orange hair and couldn't figure out what was different about me until I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror.

I don't know why that's important or relevant, but now you know.

Anyways, here are some of my favorite pictures from my first trip to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter!

You can see more from my first trip here and here.

I'm Going Back!

2011-05-17T00:25:00.000-04:00

I apologize for not posting as much lately. I keep meaning to get on, but then another day will pass without a word spoken (typed) here. I've been focusing my blogging time into something called

school

And I'm actually doing well now! Who would have thought. :)

There's also this milestone coming up that's been taking a lottt of my time and focus.

Graduation.

dun. dun. dun.

I can't believe it's almost here. So many mixed emotions.

Then there's the fact that my parents randomly announced that we would be going to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter soon. Which doesn't take up a lot of prep time but it's a whole day gone, I've got to work ahead in school, and it's one less day to prepare a big graduation slideshow.

But I get to see Harry Potter World again and this time I'LL ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT IT ALL MEANS!!!

Platform 9 3/4!!!
Hogsmeade!!!
The Three Broomsticks!!!
Hippogriffs!!!

I've read through 6 books and am currently on the seventh.

This has nothing to do with anything relevant, but a bug just flew INTO MY FACE while I was typing that list. I know it's nighttime and it's dark, but hello, my face is illuminated by the light of my computer. Do you not see my face?! I do not wish to be attacked by flying insects hitting my face. I've already dealt with a bug flying INTO MY MOUTH while I was singing, I think that was enough of a bug incident to last me my whole life, thankyouverymuch.

You'll have to excuse the excessive caps tonight. I'm just a wee bit exhausted from graduation prep, excited about Universal, and not at all humored by blind bugs.

That's is all.

Goodnight. Don't let the bedbugs bite or whack you in the face as you sleep.

Eye Results

2011-05-14T23:50:00.001-04:00

You may or may not have noticed that Blogger has been down.

Either way, Blogger has been down.

But now it's back and I can continue to write about things that no one cares to hear, randomness, and stuff that just doesn't make sense.

:)

I'm glad to be back, though, whether you're glad as well I don't know...but I'll just jump back into where I left off Wednesday.

In the eye of the storm.

I went to the eye pressure person's office or whatever, and they ran a few tests. I had THE brightest light I've ever seen shined right into my eyes. It was like staring into the sun for a long time.

They dilated my eyes and I got to wear the oh-so-attractive wrap-around glasses. Never. Again. I will ALWAYS bring my own glasses from now on.

They measured the size of my corneas (because that is supposed to give a good clue as to whether or not I have some disease that starts with a G and I can't remember what it was.

Eventually the doctor (a really nice, friendly guy) came out and told me that the results had come back and were good. The pressure in both eyes is in the 'normal range' but it at the top or the 'normal' scale. So it's something to watch, but he isn't too concerned.

When sharing the results on the size of my corneas (that is such a strange word. Honestly. CORNea?! I feel like I should be talking about food. Or the bottom of some people's feet. Not my eye. Yuck.) were really great. In fact his wording was, "Your corneas are very fat. That's a good thing. If there's anything in your body that you want to be fat, it's your corneas."

Well, good.

Good to know.

So everything checked out okay and I'll go back again in a few timse for them to take a few tests on my visual field, at the request of my neurosurgeon.

For months my eye has randomly twitched, which I don't think is a very big deal. But my sight has also gone completely blurry at times (which I have purposely not mentioned to anyone (until telling my mom Wednesday) because I well, I don't like to cause unnecessary panic or worried faces...and I'm a bit of a I Can Handle This freak). And sight going blurry isn't good when it comes to your visual field. So yay for more tests.

But seriously though, YAY for my pressure being okay, even if it is a little high.

Maybe I can stay in the eye of the storm for a little while longer.

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm not in the eye at all...and I really am home free.

In The Eye

2011-05-11T23:50:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the storm seems to have blown over, and then you realize you've only been in the eye of the hurricane.

I'm wondering if that's where I've been for the last 10 months.

in the eye

via

Back in January I went to the eye doctor and he checked the pressure in each eye. It involved putting a drop of something in my eye and then shining a very bright, blue light while looking into my left eye. I had to keep both eyes open while he did this, but I failed miserably. No matter what I did I couldn't make my right eye stay open.

He ended up making it stay open by using his fingers to force my eyelids apart.

Nothing painful at all, it was just really strange.

After looking at the left eye he switched and did the same thing with my right eye.

Shining blue light. Keep both eyes open. Left eye won't open. Forces my left eyelid apart.

After he had finished I had to adjust to seeing again, because the drop of who-knows-what had blurred my vision. But after blinking a little bit, my vision cleared and I felt back to normal except that my eyes seemed a little dry.

Oh, and there was suddenly dried yellow stuff all around my eyes.

Lovely.

He failed to mention that the drops would leak yellow when I blinked, and would dry hard yellow stuff around my eyes.

I looked so attractive.

Luckily it's easily rubbed off. I was a little weirded out though, let's be honest. THAT was put into my eyes?! Gross.

I didn't care so much when he looked at me and said the results of the test. One eye was fine...my right eye.

My left eye, however, was not okay. The pressure behind my left eye was WAY high. But after wearing my new glasses for a few weeks, it should be much better, so I was told.

I didn't end up going back to the eye doctor until this past week (though I was supposed to go back in February). Oops for busy schedules.

He did the same test and turns out now BOTH eyes are WAY high.

via

I don't know what the deal is, but I know it isn't good. Hopefully it can be easily fixed with a pill or something.

My eye doctor performed this test on me because he knew I had brain surgery. I told him that my neurosurgeon had said my eyesight hadn't been impaired in any way during the surgery, but after the eye pressure test he seemed really worried that somehow something had gotten messed up up there.

Wonderful.

So now I'm headed to go see some eye pressure person that likes a specialist or something? I don't know the title, but they're really good with eye pressure...or something.

2:30 today. Less than an hour away.

I'm not worried, just confused. I thought this was all over. I thought it was in the past and that it was part of my story. Part that would remain behind me.

But now I have to wonder, have I been in the eye of the storm all this time?

If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say...

2011-05-08T23:58:00.000-04:00

"Hold your tongue."

"If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."

And even tonight I heard someone say, "If you can't say something positive, then I don't want to hear your voice."

I haven't had very many nice things to say over the past two weeks. There have been some great 'highs' but for the most part, I've spent the past two weeks in the valley.

Down low, wanting to raise my arms and walk out carrying a white flag.

Let it be over.

Let it just be over.

In "real life" I've been trying to hold my tongue (sometimes) but have failed often. The past few days I've lashed out so much, and I know that no one understands why.

I seem happy, put together, smiley, and fine.

And it's actually not an act. I am put together, happy, smiley, and fine.

Most of the time. When I'm around people, I'm those things (almost always). So when I 'act' that way around people, it isn't actually an act.

But when I get home, or when I'm anywhere by myself, alone with my own thoughts and emotions....I'm sad, frustrated, mad, broken, and lately...angry.

After time spent being angry, going back to being around the human population doesn't always go very smoothly. I'm sure you can imagine.

Yelling. Cold voices. Not so nice looks. Hurtful words.

Maybe those things were deserved, but I should have controlled myself and my temper. Whether they deserved it or not.

Too much pride, not enough humbleness.

I haven't blogged because I know my anger will seep onto the blog. I write from my heart, so when my heart is broken and bitter, resentment will show on your screens. It just will, because I can't write from anywhere but my heart.

So I have remained quiet.

Holding my tongue.

"Pherhaps" I've Been Busy

2011-05-04T23:10:00.000-04:00

Perhaps you have noticed that I haven't really been around here much the past few days. I've been a tad busy with all these little projects.

So busy that I haven't been getting more then 4-6 hours of sleep each night for almost a week now...which is probably why I started this off by saying "Pherhaps" because THAT TOTALLY LOOKS RIGHT to me, the grammar freak that inwardly corrects improper grammar usage (even with total strangers).

And sometimes I may just correct you right out loud.

Hey, someone's gotta do it.

I'm in serious need of sleep, but have been itching to get on here and post all day. Here's what I've been up to...in list form, of course. What else is there?

1. I started Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix a few days ago. Finished it last night and immediately got on Facebook and asked who had the next one and COULD I BORROW IT ASAP??? I'm hooked. The fifth one did me in. For the first time I'm wanting to go back and read them all through again, see what I missed. Foreshadowing: love it.

2. I just got the next book about an hour ago and am not allowing myself to start it tonight because then I'll be up until 3 reading. And girl needs some sleep.

3. I guess that last one isn't really something I've been doing, but whatever, it makes the list. I guess this number isn't either. Unfortunate.

4. Do you know how hard it is to plan a graduation ceremony and party? It's ridiculous. Timing, place, invitations, food, decorations, special things that are 'just me'...like explosions of color everywhere!

5. Slideshows have become my thing, apparently. I spent a large chunk of last week working on the graduation slideshow for my senior class at church. It looked great at the end, but boy was that a bit of a hassle. And then I made a slideshow yesterday for school. Next week I'll begin making one for my graduation party. Goodness slideshows are never ending now!

6. School. School. School. I finished a class today. Took my final and my score went from a 97 to an 89. But she hasn't graded the essays on the final yet, so basically if I get ANY points from them I'll go back to an A. I'm just glad to be done with it, quite honestly. I don't care if it's a 90.1 grade at the end of the day. I'd just like an A.

7. Musicals! I went and saw some of my long-lost friends in a musical. In fact I saw it twice and cried the second time from my friends AMAZING voice. It's so refreshing when someone beautiful on the outside is just as beautiful on the inside.

8. Prom shopping. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent looking for a prom dress - to no avail. Still without a dress, really not wanting to go, and unable to sell my ticket. Fantastic.

9. Birthday party. I wasn't able to stay long, but I popped in at a friends birthday party, after going to the musical, after spending hours at the mall.

10. Which brings us to just that: Mall day with the little girls. I've been a biblestudy/kids worship leader for about a year now, and really wanted to have a day of just hanging out for the little kiddies. So I planned this mall day for the girls and we met, ate lunch, and went shopping. But little did they know....I had prepared a scavenger hunt for them. All. Over. The. Mall. It was really fun and they seemed to enjoy it a ton! I had fun watching them figure out clues, plan their course around the mall (why are kids so smart these days?!) and walk right past places they need to go and then backtracking later and going "OH. It was right HERE." Well yes, yes it was.

11. Bible study. I have started a bible study...sorta. It's kind of a bible study, kind of a book study. I don't know what to call it, but I love it! I've been prepping for it, writing out questions, watching videos again to get re-acquainted with it all. So excited for it!

12. The past three days I've been getting up wayyy too early for my liking to go be an assistant teacher type person to a group of 1st graders. It's been fun and I've enjoyed it. I've done this the past few years, and will do it again next week for three days. But it's exhausting.

13. Twelve sounded like an odd number to end on, but thirteen sounds unlucky, even though I don't even believe in that stuff.

So.

14. Goodnight!

senior picture #4

2011-05-02T22:26:00.001-04:00

About 6 weeks ago I had my senior pictures taken. I haven't edited them at all except to crop the name out. I feel so bad that I had to do that, but I can't have any stalkers out there finding me :P :)

To see the first picture click here.

For the second picture click here.

To see the third picture click here.

senior picture #3

2011-04-30T01:04:00.000-04:00

About 6 weeks ago I had my senior pictures taken. I have four pictures I'll share with you over the next week or two. I haven't edited them at all except to crop the name out. I feel so bad that I had to do that, but I can't have any stalkers out there finding me :P :)

To see the first picture click here.

For the second picture click here.

Refocusing: Tornadoes and Storms

2011-04-28T21:01:00.000-04:00

I've thought multiple times about what I posted yesterday.

Should I take it down in light of everything going on in the world? Should I leave it up because it's still valid and true?

Back and forth, forth and back.

I realize that my issues and hard times may seem easy to people on the outside looking in. That's fine, I expect that. Because I don't feel comfortable or right telling stories that aren't mine to tell, there are many facts and things abotu my life that really weight me down...that I can't share. Because they simply aren't mine to share, though they affect me all the time.

So without knowing those facts or stories, my life might seem like a breeze, a walk in the park, a sunshiny day.

At times, it is.

Sometimes it isn't.

The past few days have fallen into the second category.

But my past few days are nothing close to the devastation being caused by the tornadoes and storms. I'm never really very up on the news (it's just too sad. every day, every hour, too sad.) but I've seen a few pictures and one video. I've read on Twitter and have heard how many (they currently know of) have died.

It's terrible. Devasting. Hard to see and hear and imagine.

(via)

Going into the safest place you can think of, and coming out to see everything changed. Praying to God that when you come out your house around you will still be standing.

I can't really imagine. I live in Florida and have never dealt with a tornado in my life. But I've heard the stories, and I've seen the pictures.

So while I have decided to leave up my post from yesterday, because all those things are true to me and my life, I can't NOT say that my prayers and thoughts are with those battling the storms, and the families of those stuck without a way to make contact with loved ones. They must be worried sick.

It doesn't make mine any less true, but it sure does refocus me emotions and thoughts.

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back

2011-04-27T21:02:00.002-04:00

This week has not gone well by any stretch of the imagination.

If you follow my twitter account then you've probably guessed that the past few days have been, well, rough.

For months all I've wanted was to graduate and get out of here to Alabama and Samford and new people with new faces.

Who knew graduating could cause such drama?! From whether or not to have a party, to what grad cards pictures to send people, it all sounds so simple and easy and FUN.

But sometimes it's not, and sometimes people get mad at you, and you get mad at other people for being immature and stupid. Sometimes there are tears involved when you know - you KNOW - it should just be smiles and laughter and happy tears.

But it hasn't been.

It's been hard crying. The kind when you curl up and your chest goes up and down from trying to contain the noise. Because you don't want anyone to hear.

When I look at the last few days, it's all been little things (in the grand scheme) that have gone wrong.

But when the little things add up, it becomes heavy and hard.

Sometimes the silliest, tiniest, most riduculous straw can break the camel's back.

(via)

I was the camel this week, and as the straws piled up my back broke.

From searching through every store (quite literally) in multiples malls and strip malls and online stores....to not being able to find a single dress for prom (my one and only time I'm consenting to going to prom). And prom is like a week away. And apparently I'm one size on top and a different size on bottom...so nothing fits right. At all.

From resigning to wear an old bridesmaid dress from a year and a half ago, and just add a splash of color with some fabric....and trying on the dress and realizing that, oh, you've gained so much weight that it no longer zips up leaving you with the all-important ability to breath. And I most certainly can't dance in it, which is a must at prom.

From feeling fat, knowing that you're not, but that clothes that always fit you don't fit anymore and it's the summer of your senior year...spending it at the beach with friends...feeling fat doesn't help.

(I know I'm not fat fat but I also know that I don't fit into even my biggest clothes anymore. And I don't understand it because when I look in the mirror, I look the exact same. Yet the clothes don't fit. It's just frustrating. I know I'll be over it after prom comes and goes, so please don't leave "you're not fat!" comments. It's just something I have to get through.)

From approximately 10 people putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on you when you're spending your time doing something nice for them. Something you volunteered to do because you enjoy it and wanted to do something for other people...til they were rude about it.

From someone snapping at you over and over again when you're spending your free time doing nice things for them. Like it's MY fault that I'm doing something NICE for them. Yeah, okay. Perfect reason to be a jerk to me.

From school stressing you out because you really aren't going to finish and then how will you ever get away to college?

From rough things going on at home (that for the sake of safety and privacy can't be shared) making you feel like you MUST leave as soon as possible.

From yelling.

From hopping into the car to make sure your brother is coming home.

From writing tear-filled notes saying that, "yes, it does get better. just hang on."

From 2 hours of praying for your ex-bestfriend...because you know something is wrong and God literally won't let you fall asleep...because you're supposed to be up praying. For two hours, apparently.

(Don't get me wrong on this - I LOVED that He called me to do that, and wouldn't let me sleep until she was okay. I loved feeling connected to the girl of my past, even if just for two hours. But it was exhausting, and I was already exhausted. But let me say this very clearly: I loved the honor of praying for her and knowing she needed it badly (through contacting her)... I wouldn't change it at all, I was just, simply, so tired.)

From the two hours of prayer happening on Easter night, when you're already dead tired and just want to go to bed...desperatly.

From being called names that you don't deserve, but have believed about yourself for years (on-and-off).

From your period showing up at the PERFECT time. Not. God, don't you know I'm too busy for this this month? Just kidding. But not really.

From your emotions being out of wack.

I can only take so many straws.

Senior year was supposed to be fun and easy. That's what everyone says. And I know - I KNOW - that everyone says someday in the future I'll have a job and kids and will wish I could be back here just for a minute. But in all honesty...I'm truly not so sure about that. Because no one understands the depth of what I've gone through, what it's like here, or how my heart is holding up.

There's so much I can't share here. That may be hard to understand, but they aren't all my stories to tell, so I can't tell them. Which means you'll simply have to believe what I'm telling you, or you can click out of this screen and call me a liar, weak, whateveryouwant.

I'm not a liar. I'm not weak. I've gone through so much crap in my life. I've gone through serious health issues and never once been scared. I'm not weak.

I'm just breaking from too much straw on my back.

Day Three: Sunday

2011-04-25T23:59:00.001-04:00

A may have mentioned one or fifteen (okay, three) times yesterday that I was tired. Dead tired, in fact.

But I'm awake now (although yawning...this frosty from Wendy's shall keep me awake :]) so here's my Easter post.

I've talked about Day One: Friday

The crucifixion. What looked the end-all of end-alls, the worst day in history, became the best day in history. But they didn't know that then.

They didn't know it on Day Two: Saturday, either.

If ever there was a day full of questions and doubt, it was Saturday. Do you get angry with God, frustrated that His plan isn't lining up with the best plan, "your plan?" Then you live in Saturday.

Most of the time I do, too.

When everything is dark and stormy and there is not one little shaft of light shining through, Sunday doesn't seem possible. Sunday doesn't even exist, and you sure won't live to see it come.

That's how it feels, and it doesn't feel like that ^ could possibly be wrong.

But it is, because Sunday ALWAYS comes.

Welcome to Day Three: Sunday.

The day when the world seems right again.

The day when the world IS right again, though it was never really wrong...we just couldn't see the big picture.

Sunday. Life, new life. Joy. Happiness. Answers.

Answers.

No more doubt or pain. No more "why?"

Answers. Joy.

On the third morning angels rolled the stone (that was placed in front of the tomb where (dead) Jesus had been placed) away from the tomb. When they looked inside they saw an empty grave with graveclothes laying empty - wrapped around...no one. He was gone.

They feared someone had stolen His body. They thought it was one big, cruel joke being played.

It was in fact the biggest, greatest, answer they could have dreamed.

He was alive.

In fact, He's still alive.

He stayed on Earth for 40 days and hundreds of people witnessed the fact that He was, well, ALIVE.

DEAD turned LIVING.

Death was conquered. Not a disease that someone some day might find a cure for.

No. Death.

Death CAN NOT be beaten.

Except...Jesus beat it.

The grave could not hold the King.

He is the One we celebrate. The One who conquered not only sin, but the grave that had proven up until then (and from then on) to be undefeated.

Track record broken.

Grave: 0 Jesus: 1

After 40 days He ascended into Heaven where He has been ever since. 2,000 years later and yep, He's still kicking.

Okay, maybe kicking isn't the right word for Jesus.

But He's still around, alive, living, breathing, you know.

Friday was pain. Saturday was doubt. Sunday was joy. End with joy. He created joy; He is joy.

Happy Easter everybody!

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T21:55:00.003-04:00

I'd like to write all about Easter right now, but I'm dead tired.

I'm typing this curled up in bed, ready to hit send and go to sleep because I'm dead tired.

At 9:53

This is the girl that is typically up until 1:30 or later.

I'm dead tired.

Hope you all had a happy Easter and I'll be back tomorrow.

Day Two? Saturday: Where I Live

2011-04-23T23:34:00.001-04:00

If Friday is devastation and pain, sorrow and confusion.

If Sunday is happiness and smiles, joy and promises-kept.

Saturday is questioning. Wondering. Searching and coming up empty.

Saturday is where I live.

I'd be willing to bet that you live in the Saturday, too.

That time of waiting. Wanting. Longing. And most of all, the time of

Doubt

and

Fear

and

Questions

Friday we're so overcome with the grief that it hasn't all sunk in. But by Saturday hope is gone. Maybe we expected a miracle right after the devastation. Maybe they stood there waiting, minutes after He took His last breath, watching for Him to open His eyes and once again begin talking.

But He didn't. Not then.

And they walked away, grief-filled with heavy hearts, all promises broken, every last hope gone.

I imagine they turned their heads every few steps as they walked away...thinking, what if? What if it's just a few minutes more and then everything will be alright?

What if I misread the emails and texts, and imaged the whole thing?

What if the tests come back negative and it was all in my head?

What if the threat of being fired is just that, a threat?

It will all be alright.

Right?

But I imagine as they woke up the next morning with Him still dead, the weight in their chest only dug deeper and crushed any remaining hope.

It's too late now.

My health is shot, it's too late now.

They cheated on me. I can never trust again, it's too late now.

I'm getting too old to safely have children, it's too late now.

All hope dashed. Any last shred of...maybe...what if...just a few more minutes...

Gone

And at that point I believe the questioning set in. All the "whys" and "where were yous" and tears of yet another lie being told, another promise being broken.

I imagine they asked each other "what do we do now?" "where do we go from here?"

They didn't know Sunday was coming. They could only see the here and now: Saturday. Questions. Broken Promises.

That's how I live. I see the here. I see the now. I see empty, broken shattered pieces of a heart spread bare lying on the floor, bleeding out.

And then I realize...

that's my heart

Broken and shattered. Bruised and empty. Torn from the love-lost and the dreams-unfulfilled and all the empty memories of plans laid out that disappeared and vanished.*

(*Intersting, isn't it, that His body was broken and bruised for me, for us, in ways that even we can't imagine the pain?)

I live the questions. I live the wondering why and God, how could you?! How could your plan be so evil and wrong? It's all wrong, God. If I just could have had my way, God. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME???

The grief from Friday is slowly fading and in it's place is a wrestling match of anger, frustration, and bitterness between me and God. Because my plan was better.

And then Sunday comes and I see that He knew all along.

His plan was right the whole way through.

Through the broken marriage.

Through the lost job.

Through the baby that dies too young.

Though your best friends and siblings leaving you in the dust.

Through a brain tumor.

He knew all along, and He knew best.

It never makes it easy. The journey is still just as hard, and the hurting painful deep sobs still just as real. But there is a place to rest your head, a Daddy to call to, cry to, weep to, yell at. A Daddy to simply hold you and wipe away the tears, take the yelling and fists pounded against His chest, and whisper back "wait for tomorrow. I loved you yesterday, I love you the same today, wait for tomorrow."

Oh my God He will not delay, my refuge and strength always. I will not fear, His promise is true. My God will come through always. -Kristian Stanfill "Always"

Saturday isn't easy. I've lived it for two years. I know many of you would raise your hand and say "Yes. That's me. I live the Saturday."

So I have one question for you. A simple question that doesn't have the simplest of answers.

What do you do when you don't know when, or how, Sunday could possibly come?

What do you do when Sunday might NEVER come on this side of Heaven?

It is a question I have wrestled with. I believe I will never have those friendships back. Love-lost for good. Love-lost until Heaven.

It sounds an eternity away. How am I to survive, afraid of love, not believing in love, for the rest of my human life?

There is no easy answer. No easy button to push, no letter falling from the sky telling of how much longer I must wait.

Just simply that I wait.

Sunday is coming.

Day One: Good Friday?

2011-04-22T21:06:00.000-04:00

I know it's more than a tad confusing. Why celebrate such a terrible, horrible, devastating day?

For those that believe in Jesus Christ, believe that He was and is the Messiah, why in the world would be be happy 2,000 years later, celebrating His death?

And why, how, could we call this Good Friday?

It's more than just a little confusing, I know that.

And although a little bit of me doesn't want to speak on this at all, for fear of explaining it wrong, leaving something out, or just not doing the story justice...I also must speak. As someone once said, how much do you have to hate a person to truly believe you know the truth and yet keep quiet?

So I won't stay quiet.

About 2,000 years ago a man named Jesus walked this earth. He never did a single thing wrong. He never talked back to his mother, He obeyed his father the first time He was asked, and in all He did He never once sinned. For us that is impossible. We start rolling our eyes and talking back before we even understand what we're doing. But because He was God and man all in one (a mystery that is very hard to understand, yet so simple at the same time), He lived a completely sinless life.

He was (is) a Healer. The Healer. Blind people began to see, people that couldn't walk jumped up and started dancing, all because He healed them.

2,000 years later teenage girls with brain tumors get healed by the same Healer. -Forever grateful-

This upset many of the religious people and rulers (because let me stress - this is NOT about a religion. It's only about a relationship). I mean can't you imagine? Someone comes to your town from a neighboring city. A so-thought normal man who has lived 30 years growing up and then working a normal job. Out of no where he is on the news, being shown as a man that can make deaf people hear for the first time.

I would be skeptical.

I wouldn't believe it.

I would want to see it for myself.

I mean, He's always been just another run-of-the-mill guy, right? So what's so special about Him? It must be a joke, some sort of magic trick.

That's what I would think.

Except they weren't one-time healings. Over and over for years people were healed.

Let's pretend that the brain tumor I had killed me. It was cancer and they weren't able to get it out. Clearly I wouldn't be blogging, and someone would have updated here saying I had died.

Now let's pretend that three days after, I was on here posting away, telling you all that I had come back to life.

You wouldn't believe it, right? I mean c'mon, who would?! You would want to see it with your own eyes. See the death certificate, and see me now in real life.

It just doesn't seem possible.

But that's what happened to Jesus. For us it's harder to believe because, well, we can't SEE Him. We can't touch His hands and feet, see the scars from the nails pierced through. And that makes it very very hard to believe. Could you believe me if I told you I came back to life after three days, yet you never saw me in person, alive, as proof?

It would be hard, wouldn't it?

Good Friday is the worst day in history. A day never to be celebrated. A day longed to be forgotten.

Until.

Until three days later.

Until three days later when Jesus comes back to life.

Did you see that correctly? Yes, He COMES BACK TO LIFE.

That's what makes it so Good. The worst day in history became the best day in history three days later. Because in His death He fulfilled many prophecies. That's great and all, but it doesn't matter if He stays dead.

Which is why when He came back to life and fulfilled every unfulfilled prophecy, He closed the deal. He gave the final victory shout. The battle was over, the curse gone, and every human free that would truly believe in Him.

Easter is coming, and I'm so grateful. But I don't want to skip over what He went through for me, for you, for all of us.

He went through brutal torture, more than what we can imagine, and more than we can ever deserve. All our, my, pain and sins were inflicted upon Him.

I can never be worthy.

My Etsy Shop Is OPEN!

2011-04-20T17:09:00.002-04:00

Some new things have been happening. A few weeks ago I shared my long time dream of selling my own artwork and handmade crafts to people I may never even meet. One of those new things that I just mentioned? Oh just the fact that

IT'S OPEN! IT'S OPEN!

My Etsy shop, leilabird, has opened!

Click here to check it out, or go to etsy.com and type in the world leilabird in the search box.

I'm not sure if you can tell, but I'm just a wee bit excited!

I've always -always- loved to craft, and because I'm trying so hard to raise money for my mission trip this summer, I figured I would combine the two and try to raise money by selling my handmade crafts!

I'm currently selling different kinds of artwork. Painted (wooden) letters, picture frames, wreaths, that sort of thing!

ALL proceeds go directly towards my mission trip to Panama. We leave in July and I still have $400 to raise. Yikes. But I'm hoping this will make a small dent in the $400. And yes, you read that right: ALL proceeds go towards the trip.

So get to buying!!!

(or at least pass this on...? please? :])

New Things

2011-04-19T19:24:00.000-04:00

Just a quickie post to say I've been busy with work and life, but a few new things have happened in my life and I can't wait to share them! Tomorrow one of those things REALLY happens...openning my etsy shop! Can't wait! I'll fill ya'll in with more details tomorrow. :)

senior picture 2

2011-04-18T18:03:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago I had my senior pictures taken. I have four pictures I'll share with you over the next week or two. I haven't edited them at all except to crop the name out. I feel so bad that I had to do that, but I can't have any stalkers out there finding me :P :)

To see the first picture click here.

Creating Etsy

2011-04-15T15:58:00.000-04:00

I've been working on all my Etsy info :)

Product descriptions.

Buying supplies.

Ordering packing materials.

Making new products for the first time.

Taking pictures.

So many little things that I didn't really think about.

And it all seems so silly because what if I'm spending all this time and money on stuff no one will ever want to buy?

....but what if it becomes the tiniest bit popular and liked because people think my creative ideas are actually cute?...

...or even if only a person or two like it, but I still chase out and run out a dream...isn't that enough in itself?...

Shouldn't it be enough to create a dream and share it with the world, even if they don't all accept it, solely because I did what I was wanting to do? Create.

Senior Picture #1

2011-04-13T20:58:00.000-04:00

Easily one of my favorites from the session! :D

Drama in the Workplace

2011-04-11T22:42:00.000-04:00

After a couple of really bad days this past week, I was truthfully expecting Saturday to be another day to tack onto the Terrible Day stretch. Add in the fact that I had to work all afternoon and then come home to homework and cleaning?

The immediate future wasn't looking so bright, friends.

Right as I was about to clock out and go home to my really great and exciting plans of pajamas and assignment outlines, all drama broke loose at work. Three girls got into a fight type of thing. It was a bunch of miscommunications and hurt feelings. Each thinking each other was mad at them (when they weren't) and then the other girl being sorta dragged into it. They're all my friends and they all had a legitimate reason to be upset.

I felt really bad. I had talked to each of them separately but then as the shift wore on things only escalated. They were all taken outside to work it out. After some tears and angrily voiced feelings, it all got worked out.

A big misunderstanding.

One that I would have been caught up in myself a few weeks ago, quite honestly. But a couple weeks ago I spoke up for myself and got the ball rolling on something at work (can't say until the end of the month once it happens, but time will tell). If it hadn't been for that, I would have been extremely hurt like two of my friends.

Basically, the three of us have been promised many things many times and the promises have been broken over and over. Saturday two of them lost it and got pretty mad.

I was able to talk to each of them after they had calmed down some.

Yup, I skipped homework and cleaning to talk to them and make sure they were okay.

It wasn't a big sacrifice, really. :)

But as I left work two hours later than my clock out time, I was so struck by how good I felt.

After days of terrible-ness, I spent two hours pouring into three girls, listening and just loving on them...and I felt better. Because I knew I had finally spent my time wisely.

I had chosen to dedicate time that I knew was precious, time that would be quiet at home so I could get a lot done, and spent it loving on others instead.

Helping others made me feel better.

Maybe that's the key to it all.

Don't Say Anything!

2011-04-10T00:24:00.000-04:00

"If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all!"

I can't count how many times I've been told this in my life.

I'm going to switch things up and actually listen to that advice.

I know! I'm being responsible. *blush*

This week has been hard on me. From Wednesday on it's just been a mess of messiness, basically. Stupid stuff and drama where there shouldn't be any drama. Fears being realized and fought. Searching ALL. OVER. TOWN. for a prom dress....there are NONE to be found for me. It's just been a really bad few days and I've had nothing -nothing- nice to say.

So I stayed away.

Hopefully I can find some nice words soon.

In the mean time I will "say nothing at all."

Blue Nails

2011-04-05T22:47:00.000-04:00

For a few months now I've had a little dream of starting an etsy shop. I've crafted for years, since middle school actually. I love to spread it all out in front of me: the fabric, the glue, foam and stickers, paper, markers, anything that could possibly involve the word crafty.

To create something beautiful, even if beautiful only to my eyes, out of random, ordinary objects? Love.

Last month I began my quest to make headbands. I bought materials, ordered things offline, and then sat down to make them.

Disaster struck.

I tried a few more times, but I couldn't get the hang of it. They didn't look great, and so I put it all in a bag and still the bag sits on my bedroom floor. Lonely and quietly, yes, but unmoved from that day.

Occasionaly I know, I just know what I should give up on. But I've never been a quitter, so I can't bring myself to throw the bag away. I can't get rid of it, because one day...what if?

In the meantime, before that what if? moment comes, I'm working on another project. I've begun to make handmade pictures frames. And I think I just a teensy bit love them. I work on them a little at a time.

But when Sarah Markley (100 Joys, remember? :]) threw out the question, asking if anyone would be willing to give a portion of money made from crafting to Compassion (which we all know I loveeeeeee) , I wanted to throw my hand in the air and shout ME! ME! I WILL!

Which would have looked a bit silly since I was alone in a room reading her post to myself.

But it was just the kick in the butt I needed. An etsy shop needs to get set up, and I need to work hard on making good, beautiful picture frames.

Process? Started.

And that whole green thumb business? Nothing compared to my beautifully, newly dyed blue fingers. Fantastic.

A Trip Back To: Discovering Your Tumor Land

2011-04-04T18:13:00.000-04:00

My arms will be sore for days.

I got home from the doctor an hour ago, and still they're throbbing.

Five shots.

Five.

And as if that weren't enough, I've got to go back and get more before the year is over. Yay me. I'm so stinkin excited I can hardly stand it.

I will say, however, that to go back to that place was an adventure in itself. All the memories came flooding back. If you haven't been around my blog for a while, then you may not know that back in June of 2010 I found out I had a brain tumor. It was at that doctors office, in a little room with a couch, a filing cabinet, and not much else, that I got the news that has changed my life.

I've only gone back once since then...just so they could see that yes, I'm doing okay, and yes, thank you for everything you did.

This time I was going back to get a few forms filled out, and maybe one or two (at the max) shots. Because to go to college or to go out of the country (stay tuned for info on that), you need shots.

1-2 shots.

But nooooo, somehow that turned into five shots, and so here I am with throbbing arms.

When we pulled into the parking lot, mom said "isn't this where we parked when..." I looked up and realized, yes, we had parked in this one open parking spot when we found out I had a brain tumor. "Yes, this one or one to the left." Mom proceeded to look out the window to the left and say, "I hope your girl will be okay. She'll be okay."

We got out and as I walked into the building I remembered the dread from months ago.

Why are they calling us in early?

What news is so bad that it can't wait one more day?

What's wrong with me? What did they find?

As I sat in the multi-colored chairs in the waiting room I was still back 9 months ago...thinking through where I had been mentally and emotionally. Envisioning the room with the chair and filing cabinet that I would be walking by momentarily to get to the check-up room. Thrown back to another time in my life. The one and only time marked by one sole thing: my health

That Wednesday morning changed everything. It rocked my world and spun it around onto a totally different path. The always healthy until recent months girl was suddenly very very sick. And now that girl was back again for just a couple shots and a signature on paper saying that she's a-ok to fly the coop to South American and then to good ol' Alabama.

Two totally different worlds.

I got my shots (five people. five) and I felt okay. Just like being poked. Repeatedly. I focused on my breathing.

In. Out. In. Out.

One minute later everything that I could see perfectly fine began to blur. My vision became hazy and I felt dizzy. I focused more on my breathing. I could hear the air coming in, the air leaving.

I was breathing properly. Why could I no longer see straight? What happened to all the lines and curves? It was all a big blur of shapes and colors.

"Could I have some water?" I said to the nurse outside my door. She looked in and I heard, "You need to lay down!!! You're as pale as a sheet!"

I slowly laid down and a nurse put a wet cloth over my forehead.

Apparently this girl faints easily after being poked with a needle.

I should have known. After all, I'm the same girl that was found flat out cold on the sidewalk after getting my blood drawn last spring. Passed out cold.

But I thought it was because I had so much blood taken (6 tubes); I thought 5 shots would be okay.

Ha. Not so much.

Good to know for the future, yes. But a tad embarrassing. They told my mom to go get me sugar, so I drank coke and had these granola bars that taste and look almost identical to cardboard. It's quite ironic how similar they are. I mean really, it's like eating this:

(via)

Yum, right? But it helped and I was able to get up and walk to the car. Mom tried to make me stay on the curb and wait for her, but I insisted that we knew how well that worked for me before, so it was a bad idea.

The whole time I kept thinking two things:

'Breathe. Keep breathing.'

And 'At least you aren't here finding out about a brain tumor. This is way better than that. Now breathe.'

Clearly I kept breathing because here I am writing this. With five beautiful loony tunes bandaids adorning my shoulders.

I feel like a 2 year old.

Minus the fainting and all.

Prayer For A Friend

2011-03-31T20:37:00.001-04:00

I've learned recently of multiple sad stories/experiences a few friends are going through. Breaking hearts, beliefs shattered, hopeless days, painful red-rimmed eyes full of tears...the stories aren't mine to share. All I can do is pray, which helps ease part of the hopelessness feeling that can overtake you when your friends cry to you, with your response being that of, "God let these measly words transform into what they need to hear."

Not my stories to share, but a song I love that has impacted me time and time again.

Stranger Lady Wants My Money?

2011-03-29T23:31:00.000-04:00

I had just clocked out of work, walked through the parking lot and was opening the door to my car when she approached me.

I'm always very cautious when I'm on my own.

I'm a teenager.

I'm a girl.

It wouldn't be hard to take advantage of me, and I know it. So I always glance every which way in parking lots. I keep my windows rolled up and my doors locked when I'm at a stoplight and there is someone walking around. I don't walk in dark places.

I'm just super cautious.

But I never saw her coming.

She came out of no where.

As I opened the door to get in my car, she was just suddenly...there.

I had seen the two teenage girls walking right behind me. I had noticed what direction they were headed in, and as the stranger lady began talking to me, I took comfort in the fact that I wasn't totally alone.

The two girls had parked almost exactly across from me. They could see the situation, and I felt a little more safe.

Because the stranger lady?

She didn't look safe.

She was closer than normal. If I had a personal bubble, it was being popped. I used my car door to separate us, and I stood outside my car (too afraid to sit down and then have her leaning into my car) and picked up my purse that I had just set down on the seat.

Her hair was a little messy; her clothes weren't the greatest. But that could be anyone. I don't always look my best when I go out, so I wasn't judging her on her clothing or her hair.

I was worried because of one main thing: her eyes.

She was panicked. Her eyes looked crazy and I didn't know if she was stable or just some random lady looking for money, or who knows what.

She began the conversation. She explained that she had gone out with her boyfriend and while they had been in a store she put her purse down for a minute. He took her purse, with all her money, credit cards, phone, etc and ran. Now she was standing there with nothing and no way to get home. Her purse also had her keys in it.

She asked me for money. She wanted a couple dollars to take the bus home.

(via)

I asked her where the closet bus stop was (in an attempt to question her story without being rude. Because I know the bus stop is close by...but if she doesn't, then maybe the story isn't legit.) and she said it was just down that way, and pointed in the right direction. But then again, there were bus stops in multiple directions, so she could have been right basically no matter what. But the question didn't trip her up, I had no proof of whether she was lying, and truthfully I was just plain weirded out.

I wanted her to go away. The sooner the better.

I looked in my wallet to see if I had any $1s...while holding the wallet VERY close to me. I only had a larger bill, no $1 bills, and so I told her "I don't have a dollar to give you, I really don't...but probably have some quarters. That should work, too. Let me see."

I wasn't going to give her a 5, 10, or 20...whatever it was. I'm pretty sure it was a $20 dollar bill.

Because truthfully? I was quite certain the whole thing was a big fat lie. I was quite certain she was homeless and just wanted to rip me off. I was quite certain that she wouldn't be taking the buss anywhere, hadn't had her purse stolen, and that the boyfriend was a cover story.

What she would spend the money on...I didn't know. Food, a blanket, new clothes, alcohol, crack, who knows? But at that moment two things hit me:

1) Just give her something and she'll leave. Then get in your car quickly and leave.
2) What she does with the money is on her. Whether you choose to just help or not is on you. Do what you can.

I looked through my change, found a few quarters, and gave them to her saying that I hoped they would help. She took them, thanked me a few times, and then began to walk away.

I basically jumped into my car, shut the door, buckled as fast as I could, glanced at the girls who hadn't even been watching our exchange, and drove off towards home. I saw the stranger lady walking in the right direction, and then I drove out of the parking lot praying that her story was true.

I prayed and told Him that I basically didn't know. I didn't know if it was all fake. I had no idea if she was going to use my money to go buy crack. I had no idea if she was truly a hurting lady, broken from a boyfriend-turned-theif, or if she was simply using me. But I prayed that if her story was true, and even if it wasn't, that He would be with her and get her home safely. I told Him I did what I could do, and I thanked Him for delivering me safely from a freaky situation.

I did what I could do. What she did with a few quarters I'll never know. I'll never see her again.

But I have comfort in knowing that I did what I could do. It wasn't much, but it was something.

It was a little too freaky for me, and I can't say I would ever want to see her again. But I'm proud that I handled a scary situation well.

I did what I could do, and that's all I could do.

don't believe in love

2011-03-26T22:00:00.000-04:00

I don't believe in love. not between humans. maybe it works for other people, maybe they 'find' love...as if it's some treasure hunt and it's hidden some where. i believe in God's love and I know it's real and it's true. but love between people? no. not for me at least. no long post about it, no explanation to back up my feelings and beliefs. what would it matter anyways, people will still disagree. they'll still judge. all night i've been stuck on love. i don't feel loved, haven't felt loved in so long. i can't remember the last real time. was there a real time? how do you know if it's real or not? maybe love works for other people. but it just hasn't worked for me.

Conversations With Satan

2011-03-24T20:11:00.000-04:00

Last week I had a conversation with Satan.

A little talk, if you will.

Well, no. More of an argument.

No, that's not quite right either.

A one-sided yelling match.

In my head of course. Because I'm not completely loony.

Yet.

But that's besides the point.

Out of no where I was hit with the thought of suicide (NO I wasn't going to do anything, nor did I want to do anything. The thought just came to me for no reason.). So I gave Satan a little talk. Went a little like this:

You don't get to control me like this. You don't get to just walk on in and give me these sorta thoughts. I'm not going to do anything. I'm different. I'm not the same. You're a jerk and I'm not going to follow what you want me to do. I'm not stupid. He wins in the end. Don't you get that? You lose. He wins. I win. We win. YOU. LOSE. You get to burn forever. Haaaaa sucks for you. You, the one trying to get everyone else there with you so you won't be alone. And you get to be locked up for a thousand years, too. So no, you don't win. He wins. And in this moment, right here? I win. Not you. Because you don't get to control me. You don't get to have this power over me. I won't entertain that thought like in the past, because it's not. the. past. I'm not the same girl and I know better now. And you're still the same jerk. So no. Nice try, but no. YOU. LOSE.

I realize this probably isn't very typical for anyone out there. I promise it doesn't happen often. But I do remember one time I was starting to believe the lies he was feeding me (unlovely, unworthy, not enough, ugly, etc) and I finally had had enough and just said, "You know what, I'm done. All I want to do is kick you to Hell and then kick you back again and again and again."

I wanted to hurt Satan.

Isn't that ridiculous? But I wanted to just grab him and hurt him over and over. I'd had enough.

Am I the only one with a couple of these one-sided yelling matches in her past? If you've never tried it, trust me it feels so good to just let him have it. Who cares if you hurt his feelings? All he does is seek and aim to hurt yours and destroy your life. So I let him have it from time to time. And it feels good.

10 Things About Me

2011-03-23T21:40:00.000-04:00

I've spent a good portion of the day holed-up (how in the world is that supposed to be spelled?) in my bed. Once again I'm sick with a runny nose, stuffy nose, bit of a cough, etc. It's at that stage where you're close to coughing up gross-ness but you're trying to refrain...

been there?

It's so much fun.

Throw in a really bad headache and that's where I am.

Like I said on Twitter earlier, nothing says sick like a bag of coughdrops and a ROLL of toilet paper on your nightstand.

Classy, I know.

Anywho, the Top Chef finale is coming on in 32 minutes and so I must write this rather quickly. I've been thinking lately of random things about me that most people don't know. Or even random things that everyone knows that make me, well, me.

1) I LOVE bright colors. As if this blog didn't show that enough. :)
2) I'm a very picky eater.
3) I've had salad only once in my entire life. It was disgusting. I am not a rabbit and so no, thank you, I do not eat rabbit food.
4) I don't clean. I know where everything is in my room, but to the person looking in from the outside...it's a mess. A horrible mess. I pick up things every once in a while...but it's not very often.
5) I used to have a slight obsession with purses. I can't remember the last time I bought one (because I've tried to limit myself big time), but I have more than I'd care to admit. Most of them I don't even like that much anymore...but I can't bring myself to get rid of them.
6) Actually, I can't bring myself to get rid of just about anything. Because some day I might need that item, right? ;) But with college so soon I've begun to de-clutter a bit. Ahhhh! Daunting task.
7) I love to sit and paint.
8) I drive with my left in a "weird" position. I know you're supposed to put your left foot on the little spot with your leg stretched out...but that's just so uncomfortable. I put my left leg like I'm sitting in a chair. Not folded under me, but bent.
9) I say certain words "wrong." Pshhhh whatever. I know I say them correctly, but every single person has told me I'm wrong. For example, I say 'orange' wrong. Apparently I say it 'are-inge.' Whatever.
10) I wear small pearl earrings every day. And by every day I literally mean every day. If I go out and I'm not wearing them I feel weird. I can tell something is missing. They're fake pearls ($5.00 at Target for three sizes!) and they break pretty often because I wear them so much. But I just keep buying another pair because they're...me. I love them.

And now for some Top Chef and a little blowing of the nose....night ya'll!

Jury Duty...Already?!

2011-03-21T21:50:00.000-04:00

I have nothing

repeat, nothing

against fulfilling your civic duty.

Nothing against it. I think it's right and good and honorable and, at times, brave.

But I sure didn't think I would be 'picked' any time soon.

I turned 18 last fall. Just over 4 months ago I became an 'adult.'

My name got added to the list, and I've been picked.

Jury duty.

(Courtesy of Google Images)

4 months in and my name has been selected, I've been given a number, a time, and a date for when to show up.

My dad went about 30 years before being picked. My mom has only been picked a couple times. And me, 4 months in.

I'm not upset, nor am I frustrated.

I'm simply, uh, surprised.

I mean, 4 months. I'm still getting used to 18 and responsibilities. What lawyer is going to want an 18 year old as a juror? So I'll go and sit there and wait to see if my number will be called. I'll show up and perform my civic duty.

Proudly.

If my country needs me to serve in this small way, then I will be there. I will show up and do what's needed.

I just didn't expect to be needed so soon.

Parting: Left vs. Right

2011-03-18T11:09:00.001-04:00

I can never figure out how to part my hair.

I don't have a "natural part" unless you call straight down the middle a natural part. And don't get me wrong, I really love that look. It just doesn't work for me with my face structure. I have to part it to the side.

But what side?

Literally every day I wake up I don't know what side it'll be parted to. It changes daily and I don't really like it either way. Neither way looks great in my opinion.

With some people you just know it should be to one side. With me I honestly just don't know. So I go back and forth randomly. On the left for a month and then on the right for two weeks. Then the left for a couple days and the right for two months.

I just never know. But with senior pictures coming up, I looked at some of my favorite pictures and realized in all of them my hair is parted on the left (my left, everyone else's right).

But for the past month or two, I've been parting my hair on my right, unlike in the pictures.

Thus, a dilema. Go with what I think looks best now, or what looked best in the past?

I ended up forcing my hair to switch sides on Tuesday night. I wet it down and straightened it in the other direction. Because after a week or so, it gets "situated." And then it doesn't want to switch sides.

At all.

Before I forced it to switch sides, I took a few pictures on my computer so I could see what it looks like with each part...but from the view of everyone else. Not my view in the mirror.

The first is how I had been parting it for a month or two now. On my right, everyone else's left.

Then I tried a more "center part." But it didn't look that great. See for yourself.

And then I parted it on my left, your right. I didn't love it (still don't), but it looked okay so I just went with it. I even left it this way for the photoshoot (senior pictures) that happened yesterday.

I straightened my hair, so it doesn't look like this pictures. But still, the part is basically the same.

I'm not sure why, but my hair looks black in these pictures.

And I really really like it. *Wow* Never thought I would full on dye my hair but now I want to. Someone talk me out of it! Fast! :)

In the mean time I will continue to debate. Parting: Left vs. Right

Still Here

2011-03-17T23:55:00.003-04:00

Yes, I'm still alive.

I'm still here.

Just in a very busy state of 'here.'

But I wanted to let ya'll know I'm doing okay and am still around. As soon as I finish this quick little note I'm going to go write an actual post with (hopefully) some quality to it.

Today I had my senior pictures taken. I can't wait to see them next week!

(I smiled just like this for my pictures. Haaaaa. But no really, I'm still wearing the make up (that I did all by myself!) from earlier, so I thought I'd take a few pictures before washing it off.)

One thing down. Checked off. Now on to the next thing on my to-do list. :)

(K, so I was goofy for more than one shot :])

Currently?

Writing a quality blog post.

japan, my heart is heavy for you

2011-03-15T01:20:00.000-04:00

I rarely watch the news.

I would watch it all the time if they showed happy stories.

But no. Sad. Almost all the time. You can't watch the news and NOT hear multiple sad stories.

So I rarely watch. Who needs to hear more sad when they can drive down the street and see sadness with their own eyes?

But there are times when I watch the news, and watch it like a hawk.

When a global tragedy happens, when disaster strikes, my eyes can become glued to the tv.

I remember right where I was when 9/11 happened. I remember which couch I was sitting on, where my mom was standing, and how we all watched the news for HOURS as we watched replays of people running and buildings falling and hopeless people jumping to the death. I remember how nothing else happened that day. We just sat and watched, prayed and shook our heads in horror.

Every year we sit on the same couches and watch the 9/11 memorial videos and shows. We won't forget. We can't.

I watched the news a lot, though I was only 9 years old. It was a devastating thing, but I wanted to watch, I needed to see for myself.

When Hurricane Katrina hit, I once again was glued to the television. This disaster was of a totally different kind. We weren't being attacked, as a nation, by humankind. We were attacked by mother nature.

It hit close to home. I live in Florida, after all. We have hurricane and hurricane each summer and fall. We've gone North multiple times to escape hurricanes. I've packed a backpack with my most valuable belongings, looked around my room, and whispered goodbye...hoping badly that when we came back it would all still be standing. We've lost things in hurricanes, but nothing drastic to say the least. We've had trees fall and a swing set destroyed, but nothing like Katrina. Nothing like Katrina.

Then last year. Haiti. It's been a little over a year and nothing has been done, yet much has been done. I look at the pictures and it all looks...the same. Nothing looks like it has been cleaned up or rebuilt, though I KNOW there are people there doing just that. But the nation was in such a bad shape (by that I mean the place...for example the cardboard houses built on the edge of mountains etc.) already that when disaster struck everything simply fell apart. It all crumbled so easily because it was already crumbling. The pictures were heartbreaking, the stories endless. As I've gotten older, I've taken the disasters differently. With Haiti I wanted to DO something. HELP somehow. But all I seemed to be able to do was look at picture after picture of hurting people, broken hearts, crumbled lives and buildings.

Japan. Now Japan.

It's all over the news. It's all the news can talk about, really. I woke up Friday and logged onto the computer before heading into work. I got on AOL and saw the headline and I'm pretty sure my first thought was, "Oh no.....not again..."

Dread. Just...dread. Sadness. Horror. Questions.

"How do you rebuild?" "How can you come back from this?" "Two disasters in one...what are they supposed to do? Where are they supposed to go?" "What does the nuclear stuff have to do with anything? I don't understand."

Clearly I don't have the answers. My dad tried to explain the nuclear stuff to me, but I still don't totally get it. I just know it's a good thing for power (electricity?) that can be really really bad if humans intake it...or something.

I don't know all the answers. I do, however, know my God is the same today as He was Thursday evening before anything happened.

It sounds crazy. Silly. Stupid, even. How can a loving God let such an awful thing happen?

I know. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't all add up, and I don't know that I'll ever understand.

And truthfully? I'm glad I don't get it.

I don't want to believe in a God that I understand. That would make Him no longer a God. I don't want to trust in Someone that makes sense all the time, or has nothing in His character or all He has done (or allowed) to make me wonder in His mystery.

I need the mystery. I love the mystery.

But I don't love when this sort of thing happens. I HATE IT. But I love Him.

So I sit here wrestling as I look through picture after picture of a wrecked Japan.

"How are they supposed to rebuild, God? Where do you go from this? What next, God? What do they do next?"

I don't want a God that I understand. I don't. I know that for sure.

But 9/11, Katrina, Haiti, and now Japan....I don't get it. All I can do is shake my head, cry my tears, and pray.

And wait for the day that I will once again no longer wish to watch the news.

5k Pictures!

2011-03-11T16:48:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow will make it two weeks since I ran my first 5k. I was a little worried about how it would go. Not nervous really because of my own abilities (or lack thereof), but because I was still sore from running two days prior to the race.

Because remember, I'm not a runner.

(We're all runners, and I've been over that before. But I'm not a runner runner.)

It went really well, though! I finished with my best time yet. The girl that was going to run with me backed out (she backs out of every. single. thing. though so I had already counted on running it by myself) and the night before my brother decided he would run it. He ran the distance once and then said, "K I'll do it."

For real? I mean seriously. For real?!? I've been training for almost two months, I get my very best time yet, and he runs once and beats my time by a lot?! Craziness. But I'm really glad he did it. :)

I thought you might want to see some pictures from the race? :) Now lets not forget, I ran on 3 hours of sleep and these were taken early (okay, 8am - it's early to me) in the morning.

(edited)

I guess #39 is a lucky number. :)

(edited)

The awesome lady that started me on this I-can-totally-do-a-5k! journey.

This may be hard to read, but I'm the 6th one down. I finished 6th in my division. It says: Bib #39, age 18, 200th overall, chip time was 34:06 and gun time was 34:29.

Again, 6th down, it says my pace was 11:00 per mile, and it took me 12:47 to complete the second half of the 5k.

(edited)

:) A tad proud and happy. :)

Going up on my wall as the time to beat. :)

(edited)

Now I just have to find another race. :)

Just Do It

2011-03-07T18:36:00.002-05:00

It's been almost two weeks since I shared my biggest fear, that Really Big Fear of pornography. Or, should I say, the absense of my not talking about pornography...

something I've known for years I was called to stand up against

Leading up to sharing that fear, I warmed myself up by sharing four other fears I struggle with very often. Four other fears that frustrate me, overwhelm me, and sometimes control what I do or say.

You can catch up by clicking through these:

Fear of love. Loving others and being loved back.

Fear of pursuing God, or perhaps not pursuing God.

Fear of not being able to afford college in the fall.

Fear of not graduating this May.

Fear of pornography and not speaking up.

I thought that by sharing some of my biggest fears I would be less afraid. I thought that maybe if I gave fear a voice instead of holding my fears inside...maybe the fear wold begin to shrink in size. Maybe I would be less scared or nervous, and would have the confidence and courage to overcome those fears.

And you know what?

It worked.

Now of course I'm a work in progress. It's not like all my fear went away immediatly after I would hit 'Publish Post.'

Of course not! But there is so much freedom in knowing my fears are out there for the world to see. And you know what? I'm not alone.

You aren't alone, either.

In whatever you're afraid of, scared or, nervous of, terrified of...you aren't alone. Someone somewhere is afraid of the same thing. Someone somewhere can relate.

There are some fears that shouldn't be acted on. Fear of spiders crawling all over you, for example, would NOT be a fear I would suggest you overcome by going out tomorrow and living your fear.

Umm...no. Please don't dump spiders all over youself.

But some fears DO need to be thrown to the wind and left behind. My fear of love will keep me from really loving and accepting love in return, if I am unaware of the fear. But when I'm aware and am working towards pushing through the sweaty palms and racing heartbeat and flying around thoughts...then I can really love.

For you it might be something different. I don't know. I don't know your deepest, darkest fears. But you do. And you know if they can or should be overcome.

Some fears are healthy -like a fear of a terriorist attack- but some aren't healthy at all.

We should never let our name be attached to some fears. They don't belong in our lives controlling us.

This past Sunday I heard a message at church that revolved around doing. Doing what you know you should do, when you know you should do it.

Over and over again the pastor said

just do it

Do what you know you should do. It can be that simple. It really can. No matter the fear or the possible rejection or mean words, just do what you're called to do. Just do it, and do it well.

Don't wait for tomorrow. You might not get tomorrow, we don't know.

But we do have today. So lets live in today, shall we? It took me a few years to really get it, to just do it, but I'm beginning to understand:

It's never as hard as you build it up to be. Taking the action, saying the words, doing what you're called to do...It's possible. You can't put it off any longer. Someone else will come along and take action, say your words, complete your task. And then what will you have missed out on? What joy will you never know?

That's just it.

You'll never know.

A guy at church shared a story about how he had the opportunity to share the Gospel with a co-worker last week. The co-worked was basically asking to know the Gospel, but the guy was too focused on his task to realize the opportunity. The next time he came into work he found out his co-worker had been in an accident and had died.

His opportunity was over.

Just. Like. That.

In the blink of an eye it was gone.

Since then another co-worker has approached him and asked a few questions about God.

He didn't miss the opportunity this time. His eyes were open. He shared that the fear of what the co-worker might think no longer seemed important, no longer could control him.

Because he was too focused on the fact that he may never have another shot. There are no guarantees that we'll be around next year, next month, or one hour from now.

What fear do you have that needs to be overcome?

Just share it. Let it out. Open up your mouth, speak up, shout it out, type it out....

Just do it.

"I've Walked That Road"

2011-03-03T08:03:00.000-05:00

About a month or two ago I was serving a customer at work when I felt like I should stop and let them know I would be praying for them.

I can't explain why or how, but I just suddenly knew inside of me that I needed to pray for this lady and her child. And I needed to tell her that I would be praying.

As I went to get something for the customer, I fought an internal fight against myself and my own pride.

I didn't want to scare her. I wasn't interested in looking weird or strange.

I knew I should let her know I would be praying for her child, who was wearing a scarf around their head, covering up the bald shiny part underneath.

Cancer.

Most likely cancer and chemo.

(Courtsy of Google)

As I went back to the customer I had determined in my mind to say something. But when I opened my mouth, I found myself telling them to "have a good day."

Paralyzed. Worried more about what THEY thought of me than what HE thought of me.

I went home that day feeling a little guilty, and truly just sad that I hadn't had the courage to speak up. Who knows what the simple sentence, "I don't know why, but I feel like I need to be praying for you. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be keeping you in my prayers." who knows what that could have done for the mother of that clearly sick, pale, weak child.

Lifted her spirits, given her hope, or maybe simply showed her that someone notices and someone cares.

But I was too caught up in ME. What will she think of me? What if it sounds weird? What if she doesn't pray and it offends her?

All about ME.

I got home and for days the mother and her child were on my heart. I prayed for them multiple times and, to this day, still remember them. I've asked God for another chance, another shot at speaking up, while knowing I will probably never see them again.

But I regretted saying nothing, and promised I wouldn't stay silent in that situation again.

He gave me my chance Monday afternoon. If I hadn't been looking for it, I honestly might have just missed it and let it go right on by without noticing.

I was at work when another mother and her child came up to me. The mom was very nice and friendly, while the daughter was a tad shy and quiet. Friendly, though. They talked about what they were doing next...going back home to the little girls brothers. I asked her how many she has, and as the mom turned to look at the little girl, awaiting her answer, I saw a patch on the moms head where there was no hair.

I averted my eyes as to not make her uncomfortable as I heard the word, "three."

"Oh! I have three brothers, too!" I said as I smiled at her. "Are yours older or younger? I'm the oldest."

"They're all older," the mom said. It was about this time that I knew she was sick. There was no scarf, but the big patch of not-there-hair was hard to miss. The rest of her hair was cut short, and she wasn't bothering to hide it.

We continued the conversation and I was struck with two things: one, they were both just so friendly and happy...though the mom was obviously fighting for her life, or had just gone through the fight of her life.

Two, this was my moment that I had asked for. What was I going to do with it?

The little girl coughed and I knew that could be my way to start a potentially awkward conversation. Something along the lines of, "Oh, is she sick?" could possibly lead to the mom talking about her own illness.

But before I could do anything, the mom suddenly mentioned her own sickness, and I quickly jumped at the chance and said, "If you don't mind me asking, what's wrong?"

"I have brain cancer. I'm going through chemo right now."

I think at that moment there were some angels singing. Partly because they knew I had taken a step, though it was small. And partly because, well, my Story...my Story involves a surprise brain tumor and brain cancer? The thought of chemo? I can relate. I've almost had to go down that road. I've faced showing up to let basically-strangers open up your head.

And here was a lady that I could witness to in the simple way of letting her know I had walked the road. She wasn't completely alone, and I would be praying.

As she talked about the cancer found in the back of her head, I waited for my chance to tell her that I had had a tumor in the back of my own head. "It wasn't cancer, and thank God, but I do understand some of what you've gone through."

"Oh yes, thank God for that!"

A sister-in-Christ standing right in front of me that I could encourage. Because I was looking. Because I had seen the opportunity. Because He allowed the scales to fall from my eyes so that I could see, and my mouth to open so that the right words could tumble out.

We continued talking, and as she looked around she noticed two of her pastors nearby. I asked what church she goes to, and was quite surprised (though I shouldn't have been because God? He likes to use the little things to get my attention) to find that she goes to the church where my grandpa used to be the pastor.

Of course she does.

Of course.

*It's a small world after all...* continued to play as our conversation went on, and then the mom had to leave. She gave me her number and I laid it on the counter. When I went to grab it at the end of work, it was gone.

No number. No way of really reaching her. Except that those pastors come in pretty regularly and I'm all set and ready to strike up a conversation with them next time. To get her number or email...just some way to contact her. Let her know I'm still praying.

If you'd like to join me, please pray for M.

And please also consider taking the small step you know you need to take...before the moment for that small step to be taken has passed.